I'm supposed to be writing a paper....

and while I'm pretending to write I will record here a passage in my book which I'm searching through for  paper quotes:

"You are all right, child? said Ransom.
"I think so, Sir." said Jane [...]
"Do you place yourself in the obedience," said the Director, "in obedience to Maleldil?"
"Sir," said Jane, "I know nothing of the Maleldil. But I place myself in obedience to you."
"It is enough for present," said the Director. "This is the courtesy of Deep Heaven: that when you mean well, He always takes you to have meant better than you knew. It will not be enough for always. He is very jealous. He will have ou for no one but Himself in the end. But for tonight, it is enough."
"This is the craziest business ever I heard of," said MacPhee.

...I'm with you, MacPhee. It is the craziest thing I have ever heard, yet it rings true and warms my heart:)

Love

Love is something I crave on a daily basis along with affection, affirmation, and appreciation. I am not in a place in life where I can appreciate or reciprocate any of those things in a romantic relationship as I should, but that doesn't take away my need for them. I remember crying a little too often at the beginning of the school year because I felt a lack of those things....I hadn't fully reconnected with my friends and I decided it was best to let some people go who were unfairly filling some of those roles in my life. However at this moment in time I am alone on a coach in my parents house, a place I used to hate for the loneliness it caused, feeling completely surrounded by love and the three A's.

My mother was telling me a story today about how she and her husband got into a large fight on their anniversary in part because of me...my mom was fighting for my comfort and her husband was being stupid. The subject matter really wasn't a big deal except my mom knew it was important to me, so she fought for it. (Jim had exchanged my bed for one of our friend's bed because that friend wanted a smaller bed. He thought I would have no attachment what so ever to the room and furniture I painstakenly put together in my room this summer so the house would feel more like home for me which I did for my mother.) the fact that she cared so much over a tiny thing really made me feel loved.

Also, truth be known, I have come to rely on my sisters so much. They are strength and support. They are loving arms to hold me while I cry and to protect me when I most need it. Not to mention they allow me to love them, take care of them, to pour into them, and be affectionate without excepting me to jump in their beds--like boys do. (....ewww, gross)

Okay, so I may have come to rely on my guy friends a bit too. They are brothers, confidantes, strong protectors, and drinking/zombie killing companions. They are the ones, coughjosephcough, I know who would beat someone up who mistreated me and who will try to scare away any other non-brotherly male attention. They also fill my need for male affection and attention in a brotherly way that I love because 1) its awesome and 2) again it prevents me from having to jump in anyone's bed. (again, ewww...gross).

I've very much enjoyed spending Thanksgiving with my family here in Gulf Shores, but I feel like I've missed having it with other members of my family...the members of my family that crowd around emerson tables with me and knock on my door at night to check up on me and who essentially take care of me on a weekly basis whether or not they know how much I need them.

Okay, so enough of the gooshy stuff... hrumph, guts, and mustaches (and other non-sappy stuff)!

My Sentiments Exactly

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

~e. e. cummings

-I feel this way about everyone whom I love and who I know loves me back. Maybe it is because I feel the need to love people, but cannot be bothered to be romantic with anyone that I feel this way about those who are close to me.