On the Up Side

I have the best little sister in the history of little sisters!!! Her name is Delaney Bush and she is incredible. I have a feeling that unless I do something to make her really angry or hurt that she will not let me go more than a day or two for the rest of the foreseeable future without talking to her. You would absolutely adore her:) actually you guys are very different, but she kinda reminds me of you.

Further on the up side, I'm going to see my Dad this weekend. I'm really struggling with what my brother did/is doing and I don't really know how to handle it. I know it is irrational, but I am a little resentful of my mom right now because it feels like its her fault although I know it isn't. That being said I can't really talk to her about this right now because I know I will just be mean to her and I don't want to be. So I asked my Dad to tell her for me. But then my mom called me...and sent me texts...and she is going to be so mad when I don't call her back. Maybe after spending a day with and talking to my Dad I'll know how to handle it better and will be able to talk to her.

Thank you for everyone coughDanandJosephcough for checking in on me....I really appreciate your brotherly friendship more than you know.

And I'm sorry to anyone who is being adversely affected by my struggling....

Micheal,

Since you've blocked me from facebook and I don't know if you'll get the message I sent you finally replying to your statement I figured I post it here in the of chance you know this blog exists and ever feel like checking it.

 I'm sorry you feel this way, but I understand (somewhat though not completely) and I hope this makes your life better or easier. I love you and this hurts and makes me sad, but it isn't about me if it makes you happier. If you change your mind, I'll always be here. That being said, okay, I'll leave you be.

To hurl or not to hurl.

...that is the question. My stomach hurts and I feel like I should throw up although I know the physical pain I'm feeling will not be relieved by emptying my stomach....that would only work if I had food poisoning which I don't. I also know that taking medicine won't help the tight feeling in my chest that almost feels like a heart attach except the pressure is on the wrong side of my chest. So basically, everything is in my head and I don't know what to do or how to make it go away. On the upside, I went to class today and only cried twice? throughout the day. Yay, go me.

oh, you're wondering what happened? I got a message on facebook last night from by biological brother. I'll copy and paste it for you right now:
" I have thought long and hard. Is having a relationship with you worth the memories that that entails. Talking to you is like trying to smile after stepping in dog shit. No. I don't need you in my life. You have forfeited your right to be involved in my life through stupidity. Good bye."

Now, I don't blame him. Hurting people hurt people and I still love him and although I don't really understand, I kinda do. But that doesn't make my sadness and pain any less because I love my brother and I feel like I've fought to keep him in my life. But I'm glad he is doing what he feels is best for him and I only hope that he is happy and well and continues to be so.

Uncertanity

I'm starting to think it is better to laugh at what is uncertain than to really get worked up over the unknown. I say this with lots of thoughts about what if's and could be's, and I don't really feel like pursuing any of them.

I'm weird

But, really...I'm really strange and if my life has not been odd enough to inform me of that, my conversation with Jos and Sonya tonight were enough to assure me of my own weirdness. We had all just gotten back into the dorm talking about Big/Little stuff and began reminiscing Big/Little events of last year. It has been no end of amusement and annoyance to Jos that I knew she was my big before we had even written our Big/Little lists. She ha heard my logic so many times and finds it hysterically misplaced. Granted, my logic was horribly misplaced, but for some reason I just knew it was her. Thus, I bent my logic around that knowledge. Jos and Sonya think I'm crazy, I'm sure, but the whole conversation reminded me of this other one time I just knew something--at the time I had no proof I was right, but a few months later it was proven. I explained this to Jos, that although I'm really stupid a lot of the time, sometimes I just know things, things I don't always want to know. I wonder if I'm the only one to whom that happens.