Day 122.

Well I had an interesting evening of sorts and I would call and tell someone about it, though who do I have to call other than my girls... Anywho, I'm a little mad and I want to talk about it. The story may not make sense because I'm not even sure if I know where it begins, if it makes sense, and what it really says about myself and the others implicated. I have to start somewhere so I may as well start with myself. Up until this past year I decided I wasn't into the dating scene, but also refused to let my heart full of love go to waste. Accordingling, in my own way I loved those around me and felt no qualms in sharing with my friends, both girls and guys, that I loved them. With my boys it could be odd because my love could be mistaken for romantic love, but you see I'm not the kind of girl that falls in love with a guy. So I would love the guy as my friend instead and would only tell them I loved them if the were truly just my friend. That detail really wasn't important though now you have it anyways.tonight I saw a friend I hadn't seen since christmas time. She was one of my best friends all through out high school. My two other best friends from back then I have kept in touch with, but not really this third one. (Three best friends? Weird I know, but we were really the four amigos and it was wonderful.) Well out of the two I stayed in contact with, I lived with one and the other and I made a mutual effort to keep in contact although we rarely talked or saw each other. Thus, we grew without the other watching constantantly. This, I must admit, created a bot of a shock in me whenever I would get together with her and see how much she'd grown. I was always pleased, though. I enjoyed seeing my friend whom I loved dearly turn into, and grow into this spectacular person who was somehow the same but different. Being the softy I am, I had tears of joy in my eyes a time or two when I'd tell her how much she'd grown and how much I missed her. The change was a bit startling at first. But a good change and a good startling. It wouldn't have been right any other way. Well back to the third old best friend that I saw tonight. Caitlin and I went over to her and her boyfriend's new apartment to see her and chat. As we were leaving Caitlina nd her exchanged 'love yous,' while I had the distinct thought that I'm not saying that. It wasn't because I didn't care about the chick anymore, I simply feel like I no longer know who she is. How can I love someone if I don't know who they are? I guess I'm mad that I don't know her, that she has changed so much I can't recognise my best friend. Maybe I'm mad because I wonder if it is me who has changed so much. Maybe I'm mad because she has become "extremely close" to another girl in the area we went to school with but can't be botherd to call the people who were her best friends. The thought that she may have more in common with the new close friend than us makes me mad too. How could we have changed so much as to not have anything in common anymore. The thought just won't go away...how could I not know her anymore? I'm also mad that she didn't seem to have any real interest in getting to know me again. That she would also judge me for being a virgin, wanting to stay a virgin until I get married, and being a prude(which I joke about and think is kinda funny) doesn't help to calm my anger. I suppose after making strong statements about "test runs" she did look at me, remember high school me, and retract her statement hastily. I thought maybe her opinions of would-be virgins was so strong because she felt I may be judging her, so I said,"hey, I'm not juding you. Please don't judge me." Of course she quickley replied she wasn't, but she already had judged me. Her retraction, her reassurance of non-judgementalism, were just attemps to not offend and/or hurt. I'm made that the first night I see her in months she has a bunch of other people over too and would rather chat with them than Caitlin or I. Could she not see the look on Caitlin's lovely face? How could she put meat into the pasta without thinking to ask her best friend if she wanted some and save some without meat because her best friend is a vegetarian. How could she so easily forget someone who's mind she was once able to read and understand? I guess I'm mad that people can grow apart from one another. I guess I'm mad at the way someone has been treated. I guess I'm mad that I can't tell her I love her because I wouldn't mean it. I suppose I'm also angry about what that consequentaly says about me and my love for others although I don't want to think about what that may or may not mean. In some ways I have a lonley life and my friends are the only ones I have to love. So gosh darn it, I'm going to love them even if that love may be imperfect.