Convictions

If you are reading this and know me outside of this blog, you ought to be aware of the fact that I am, for a lack of a better word, religious. If reading about God, faith, and all that jazz bothers you, please stop reading now. I have to admit I have been hesitant to write on such topics because out of those who follow my blog none share my beliefs, but, alas, I write for myself supposedly.

This morning when I woke up I was overcome by the connotations of the question running through my mind-- What am I doing with my life? It wasn't so much that I was really wondering what it is I am actually doing, but more me using a saying a picked up from Chelsea to chide myself for doing things I know better than to do. It wasn't one of those I ate to many twinkies while on a diet type of chiding. No, this one was of a little more depth and seriousness. This morning I went to church. It was nice. The sermon was from a missionary who was energetically talking about his work in Tanzania. Thus, I wasn't sitting on the edge of seat taking detailed notes about what a piece of scripture meant. Instead I sat there, absorbing what he was talking about and selfishly thinking about myself. It was a great time of reflection. A lot of what the missionary said played as a backdrop to my thoughts, weaving through my brain with relevant information that helped me along my thought process. This is what I realized:

I've been living a rather pointless life lately that has been focused on myself instead of the thing that it should be focused on: God. I struggle a lot with my faith, honestly, not because I doubt that their is a God, but because feel it is important to not always assume I understand what exactly the bible is trying to communicate. Needless to say I have a lot of arguments with myself, the world, and God about what things are, what they mean, and ya. Anywho, there is a scripture that talks about how everything in life and the world is worth nothing next to God, her kingdom and all that jazz. (yes, I just used the pronoun her and I will rotate pronouns her and him because 'it' doesn't specify life form and I don't think God has a specific gender. How 'bout them apples?) I actually wrestled with this concept for a few months because if nothing else is important, why am I going to college or working? I simply couldn't believe going to college and working wasn't important, and I didn't think that was what the verse was trying to convey. I'm not sure if I understand it perfectly, but in krista speak it means that we do things like school, work, and play here, on earth, because they are important, but they don't hold real importance outside of the spiritual, religious, relationship with God area. Does that make sense? You're probably saying no, but, I'm sorry, it will just have to work. Feel free to ask me about it in person or via skype if you want a better explanation. So as I was sitting in church by my lonesome, I was thinking about how my life has been me centered instead of God centered. Thus, there has been little or no importance in the things I have been doing. The things I do are only important when they are God centered. I think it isn't what I do that is all ways necessarily important, but the reason and motive behind the action that is important. Often though changing the motive changes the action, right? The religuous words for what I want to be are warrior and watcher, but if you aren't familiar with The Church those two words will sound silly to you, and for that I apologize. (There is so much inside lingo that it makes one sound even more crazy to everyone else who doesn't understand. What those words mean to me is that as a warrior I should love people enough to share what my faith with them, but NEVER EVER try to push them to believe what I do. As a watcher I should keep my motives God based. No, I'm not going to hijack a plane and blow up someone who believes something different than I because I think my holy text calls me to murder, but I am going to be friendly and loving to people because I know that they are important to God, that he loves them, and because he does, so should I. I so hope that makes sense.) I'm not good at this. I mean, I know very well that I should be living for her instead of myself, but I so often fall short of that mark. Hmmm, I guess that is what grace is for. This is my goal though to keep trying to reach that mark no matter how many times I fall short and/or make stupid decisions that afterwards have me thinking, "what am I doing with my life?" In that effort, I am currently working on changing my motives for, well, I guess, ........life in general. Let us see how well that works.