Day 93.

You. I feel like I try so hard to make things work though I honestly do not know how. I figured if I could change me, change the way I did things, that I could make things between you and I work. All that seems to happen instead is fighting, tears falling, and hurt feelings. I apologized. I tried to make things work again and again. I put up with the insults to me and to others. I explained to you that I was willing to make it work but we had to start over and forget the past. I don't understand why you can't do that. I don't understand why you have to attack me and be dishonest and manipulative. You will believe you are neither, and I think that likely most every psychologist will say that you are. I hate that you make me cry. You make me feel like the responsibility of the relationship is all mine. You make me feel like the failure of our relationship is all mine. You make me feel like all the mistakes are my fault. You tell me I shouldn't hear the things you say as you say them and that my feelings aren't valid. You won't change. All you do is hate. I hate that I
m staying awake when I want to be asleep because I don't want to think about it by myself. I hate that I'm letting you upset me when I am supposed to be taking care of my girls and as a result I am being less patient with them. I hate that you upset me so much I had to go to the bathroom, get on my knees, and pray because I didn't know how else to react except in violent and tearful ways. I feel unsure, angry, mad, sad, and hurt. I feel like you are ruining my relationship with my brother and that upsets me more than anything because he is so important to me and he is one of the three men in this world that I actually and honestly love.

That is how I feel.

I think that no one person in a relationship should ever be (or feel) responsible for the whole think. I think that in every decision regarding our relationship I have tried to do what I thought was best at the time for myself while trying to be as unselfish as that allowed me. I think that if I choose to be a busser for the rest of my life and was amazing as Lacey, that that wouldn't be a bad thing even if that isn't what I want to do. I think you do lie. I think are incredible manipulative and that it is obvious to see where you say something meaning one thing while communicating and trying to accomplish something totally different. I think I am a strong woman thanks to the strength God lends me. I think that I do think critically and that you cannot accept that I have come from different conclusions that you have. I think I made mistakes but that the biggest one you talk about was three years ago and I have tried to make you for it. I think you can't accept that either. I think I don't deserve those insults and haven't warranted them. I think that the failure of the relationship is the faults of us both, though I am placing the majority of the responsibility for that failure on you because I have done everything I can short of going to see you. I think that if we can't get along via email we won't be able to get along face to face. I think my feelings are valid.

That is what I think.

I know I talked to my dad on the phone for half an hour today crying while he confirmed all my silent thoughts that were conflicting with my feelings. I know that I will decide what I think is the right thing to do and then I will do that. I know who my fathers are, God and Richard Hodges. I know that I am loved. I know I am worthy of respect and not insults, of relationships free of continual intentional hurt. I know who I am is not who you think I am--I am glad that is the case. I know I do not want to be the kind of person you're proud of. I know I do not feel the need for your approval. I know I do not feel the need for you in my life.

That is what I know.