Day 89.

I realized something today and I am not sure how to talk about it because I'm not sure if I have the words to properly describe it. The main ideas behind my thought are love and vulnerability. It hit me today, and I could be wrong though I don't think I am, that loving someone (not necessarily romantically) means being vulnerable with them. To me being vulnerable with someone means sharing my thoughts, feelings, and recognizing that I need them in some shape or way. I would like to say that I am good at being vulnerable because I like sharing my thoughts and I can be quite loud about my feelings sometimes. However, the truth is that I while I may have moments of vulnerability around people, I am not good at opening my self up. I keep a large majority of my thoughts to myself because most of them are really mean or completely irrelevant. Also, one of the hardest things for me to do is to talk to someone when I am mad at them and express to them why I am upset with them.... I only do that when I truly love and care for that person because if I don't really love them (again not necessarily romantic) I might as well as not even talk to them. As a matter of fact, that is exactly what I like to do, stop talking to that person. Before I explain what triggered this thought of mine and realization of myself, let me tell you some of the other thoughts it brought up: There is only one boy I will recognize as needing from time to time, and not very often at that, because among many reasons sometimes I do need him and I genuinely love him more than I can express with words. I have been very blessed to have him in my life and hope we will always be friends. Every once in a while I will open up to him and talk to him about things I just can't talk to anyone else about. Actually, I used to tell him everything that I couldn't talk about, but when I realized that wasn't good, I just started saving him for special situations.(lol I'm sure his girlfriends appreciate that.) I've had two boy friends in my short life, both of whom are incredibly amazing people that I really like as human beings. (I was thinking today that I have been surrounded by wonderful people in my life and they both fit into that category of people who have touched my life in unique and surprising ways.) The first one and I, well, I don't remember him being vulnerable at all, or at least very often. ( now there are stages of vulnerability and I'm thinking higher up their on the scale, not lower down.) Then again, I kept a lot of my thoughts to myself around him...I think I was intimidated by him and didn't want to sound stupid or crazy. We were better apart and that is perfectly okay, I'm glad he was in my life. While our lack of vulnerability with one another wasn't what caused the end it may have been a factor in it. I'm sorry, I don't mean to delve so much into the past, but I realized the other day that I couldn't speak to my second about something. I just couldn't share my thoughts, I couldn't be vulnerable. Then again the only person I wanted to share those thoughts with was God and he sure got a mouthful. Well and I would like to one day talk to a therapist about it, but that is a long way away. Thus, my realization of myself led me to think of these three boys and to think about my interesting relationships that I had with each one and the relationships I have with them now. So you must be wondering how I got to thinking about all of this in the first place. Well, it started with John Gray. I received a letter in the mail today from him trying to get me to tell him about my insurance/medical history with what has been going on in my mouth. My mother is attempting to get him to pay a portion of my medical expenses and John feels like he is being asked to pay too much. (I've been really frustrated with John as of late. Before he tried getting me to help him not have to pay money for my mouth, he accused me of giving my college money to my mother,- which is incredibly insulting for various reasons- he refused to give me the rest of the money from my college fund that he has control over, and he also declared that I didn't "even bother to register for next semester". Needless to say I am not currently his biggest fan.) Anywho, I have been so angry with him I haven't been returning his email, which is why he sent the letter in the first place. All the letter did was to hurl obscenities out of my mouth and heart towards his general direction. I was trying to figure out how to best handle this letter which is a complicated situation. Not only is everything I tell him going to affect the court outcome between him and mother, but it is also extremelyvulnerable with him. In this case, that means telling him I am mad at him and why.