Day 112.

Okay, so I think my odd numbering of blogs as finally been corrected. Today I went to church, my home church that I haven't attended in quite some time. I at first thought I wasn't going to enjoy it that much because last time I went the sermon annoyed me and the worship was really short. Worship has always been my favorite part of church and I honestly wouldn't mind if it went on for several hours like it does in some of the South American churches I've visited. Anyways, today as soon as I walked into the door one of my friends that I hadn't seen in a while squealed and immediately started to tell me about the new youth pastor, how I would love him, and what the latest scandal was-- churches ALWAYS have their drama, which is one of the reasons I try so hard, though I always fail, at being a complete individualist in my religion. Me being the skeptic and never quite trusting religious figures to be "for real" until I've had a chance to listen to them and sometimes not even after that, I was sure I would dislike this youth pastor. My friend had told me this new guy would be leading the last two songs of worship. I can now say I was pleasantly surprised, not only was worship wonderful, the new youth leader did a wonderful job in both worship and his sermon, actually both were the best and most sincere I have witnessed in a long time. Sincerity is extremely important in that arena, I feel. Today I was told, " it is not impossible for you," though I'm not quite sure yet what that means or is referring to. I'm sure I'll find out eventually.  In light of actually enjoying church for the first time in a long time, and this being the first time in a long time I actually went to church, I couldn't help remember the event that occurred on one day almost two years ago, well probably two years ago this week. I was in Europe and really upset about a choice i had made before I left, the choice I made was the right one but it caused me and someone I loved dearly a lot of pain. I was in so much pain, riding a bus through continental Europe and asked God for some sort of help--I don't remember what I asked for, maybe I asked him to take away my pain, the pain of the person I hurt, or just make the situation better in general. Almost as soon as I uttered that prayer I immediately thought, "God isn't listening to me, why would he? I'm no where near close to important." I was ashamed at myself for thinking God didn't care enough to listen, to feel something that I knew to be false, that I lectured myself. Wait, now I remember what I asked for...It was a sunny day and I was in loads of pain, so I asked for rain to accompany the pain I felt inside. Anyways, I reproached myself, saying even if he doesn't make it rain (it was a sunny, cloudless day) that didn't mean he wasn't listening or didn't care. And so I turned my thoughts and eyes and sorrow to the country side passing outside my window. Literally a few seconds later, it started raining.