Day 105.

Today I had a really great day. Dad and I went kayaking, something I truly love to do, in the ocean ( also known as the big bay in front of the actual ocean) which is a place I have never kayaked before. To make the day even more interesting, I didn't have a swim suite because silly me didn't think that on her less than 24hr trip to see her father that she would end up needing a bathing suit. Little did i know dad would mention kayaking as a possibility for the day. Thankfully I had the thought to bring my favorite shorts and one of my favorite t-shirts as pajamas for the evening instead of another pajama ensemble that would have been inappropriate to wear out in public because the only other clothing I brought with me to dad's were dresses. So being my interesting self, I just wore my pajamas to the beach and looked like a crazy kid for swimming in shorts and a t-shirt instead of a swim suite. Kayaking was a total blast though. When I settle down, I think I would like to purchase one (knowing me it will of course be a one person vessel because I don't do well with others in my life) and use it in whatever water I settle near, be it a big ocean or small river. I had a great day with a wonderful man who loves me and teaches me. However, my life isn't perfect. There was one bad thing about today and, on the drive over from Panama City Beach, I debated on whether or not to talk about it here. As I have previously said, I try to keep the bad things out of this blog. Though, my life isn't perfect and I would like this blog to reflect my life. I received another email from John today which was as upsetting as most of the other emails he has sent me in the past four years. In this email, not only am I not his daughter and disowned, but I am apparently also an "alien life form." Honestly, that is kinda funny. What upsets me the most about his emails are not the venom and hate that seep through every sentence, but the doubts they arise. For example, in the email he made me doubt how much love I treat my brother with, which is important to me to make sure Michael knows I love him, because...well I do love him. John also made me further doubt my ability to have a successful relationship which people know is something I struggle with enough. It made me doubt my ability to do the right thing as well as doubt both my own mother's intentions and actions. Honestly, what gets to me the most, what bothers me the most, is that John wants me to doubt all those things, creates his emails accordingly, and that it works. I mean, I know better than to let them get to me, but they do anyway. THAT is what bothers me the most. So on the drive back home, instead of contemplating on my wonderful day with my dad, I played therapist with myself and tried to ask myself and answer the hard questions I thought a therapist would ask me. Such as, why do the emails, this email, bother you so much? I came up with the above answer and thought about them all as much as I could push myself to. What I came to is this:

I resolved to work harder on my relationship with my brother and work on being able to one day being able to have a conversation with him about mom if that is something he feels the need to talk to me about--i care enough about him to try to listen to him about that no matter how hard it will be for me. It made me also further accept that I have commitment issues, but picking out men who are

"smooth talking con artist, that isn't telling the truth and is taking advantage of her decent, caring, compassionate nature,"  is not something i am going to do. ( I mean, I have only dated two guys, ONLY TWO! Mostly out of choice as well. And neither of those guys were or are con artists, but were sweet and kind and never, I felt, took advantage of me or tried to manipulate me. Gah, forester and Thomas can speak for themselves of being perfectly lovely people.)  I may have my walls, issues with vulnerability and commitment, but I will not let someone take advantage or mistreat me. I also thought further about how I am imperfect and make more than my share of mistakes no matter how hard I strive to be perfect. But that that is ok, too. I cannot beat myself up for making mistakes while I am trying so hard to do what is right and it isn’t quite right for john to try to beat me up for mistakes I have made, especially when I have done what I can to make them right. Among other things, I also had to think about my mother, issues she has, and the wrong and right things she has done.  Though I couldn’t help but to think that while there is nothing wrong in contemplating the issues of one’s parental units, that the way John goes about it, trying to literally make me think about the issues is full of venom and only out of hate, is not the productive or loving to go about it. I think it is something I should think about, though I think I’ll need therapy to help me, but I want to do it in a way that will foster love and promote familial relationships instead of the way john would have me that would destroy relationships. It will be hard, but I think loving people is important and that loving my family and myself is important enough to eventually do it.

I believe loving people is worth it. I believe in a kind of love that is healing and supportive. I believe in a romantic love that works, though I am so frightened that I am unable to participate in a love like that even though I want it so badly. Love--what an interesting thing that humans crave so much, stress and fight over, but feel they need anyway. You know, I don't care. If I can't romantically love someone, I'm going to pour my heart out to people anyways, people of all shapes and sizes, those who may need it even more. I may have my walls, my vulnerability and commitment issues, and my trust issues, but I am going to love people anyways in whatever fashion I can, by being giving of myself and time...If that makes any sense to you.

I had a great day filled with sun and great music, good company and delicious food. I also had an email to make me think in a good and healthy way about my life and world. I wouldn't change my day for the world.