Day 114.

You know what would be funny? If my numbering was wrong even if i thought it was correct and I didn't discover it till March. It rained this morning/afternoon for the first time in a long time, making the sky look mystical with a mixture of sunshine and seemingly violent rain clouds. I know it is strange, but although I seem so sure about myself, the things I want, and the world, I'm never quite sure what I like and what truly scares me. I geuss, I'm eithe incredibly unsure, fickle, or my tastes and fears change often...or the could change gradually and I just don't notice it.... I'm not sure. Anyways, I've always adored sunshine, but my taste for rain and overcast days as flucuated from the extreme of hating it to loving it and every preference in between. ( I remember disliking rain when I was happy and liking it when I was in a lot of emotional pain and when I wanted to go hiking. The smell of the earth after it rains is my favorite smell of all time...or at least for now.) Anyways, today I like rain, thunderstorms, and everything included when the sky feels and looks like it is breaking....though maybe not the sound of loud, abrupt thunder. So, I was rushing home from work so i could grab money and purchase my gym membership before the gym closed when I saw the sky in its stormy glory and it took my breath away. You see, it wasn't just raining, it was storming, but that isn't all the sky reflected. Half of what I could see was the sky's mirror of depression or deep hurt and the other half was sunny, a reflection of pure happiness. Of course with the two extremes came everything in the middle and it was beautiful. Not to sound stupidly clique or anything, but it reminded me of life, full of both pain and happiness, often in the same day or in the same instant, yet extraordinarily beautiful. i liked it and-- again another silly statement-- it made me appreciate life in general a little more, actually a lot. I like living and I am happy to be.


I wish i had a picture of that sky to show you.

Day 113.

Today.....

I haven't any time to post. You see, I've been at work all day, well technically I'm still there because I am still at the office. I also have work at the other place in um 43 minutes and counting. That's enough time to fight traffic, change, and fight traffic, right? Actually the real question is: can i squeeze food in my now 42minutes? I'm not so sure how probable that one is. Let us pray that there will be no wrecks, that I will not get into one, and that I will either not have to speed or not get caught speeding. Sounds reasonable, though I would really rather not speed. Tis dangerous, you know.

Today....

(40 min left) I was driving around lower Baldwin county taking pictures of houses for insurance applications, because that is what I do, and I stumbled upon a little girl at a lemonade stand. My most immediate reaction was, ' I support this little girl's entrepreneur spirit and will buy a cup of lemonade from her.' About thirty minutes and a  dollar later, ( i took pictures first), I had acquired a cup of what tasted like Country Time Lemonade and a smile from the little girl. The smile was much nicer than the drink and the real reason I decided to buy a drink when I wasn't thirsty. I hope that little girl learned a lesson about the world today and was inspired to work for her dreams and whatever else she may have to work for. Work ethic, I guess I'm hoping she learned to be a better citizen of this society that I love Oh SO Much.... I may have been being sarcastic about loving this society, but i do hope she will be happy here and that my dollar may have had a hand in encouraging her to be happy in this place.

Day 112.

Okay, so I think my odd numbering of blogs as finally been corrected. Today I went to church, my home church that I haven't attended in quite some time. I at first thought I wasn't going to enjoy it that much because last time I went the sermon annoyed me and the worship was really short. Worship has always been my favorite part of church and I honestly wouldn't mind if it went on for several hours like it does in some of the South American churches I've visited. Anyways, today as soon as I walked into the door one of my friends that I hadn't seen in a while squealed and immediately started to tell me about the new youth pastor, how I would love him, and what the latest scandal was-- churches ALWAYS have their drama, which is one of the reasons I try so hard, though I always fail, at being a complete individualist in my religion. Me being the skeptic and never quite trusting religious figures to be "for real" until I've had a chance to listen to them and sometimes not even after that, I was sure I would dislike this youth pastor. My friend had told me this new guy would be leading the last two songs of worship. I can now say I was pleasantly surprised, not only was worship wonderful, the new youth leader did a wonderful job in both worship and his sermon, actually both were the best and most sincere I have witnessed in a long time. Sincerity is extremely important in that arena, I feel. Today I was told, " it is not impossible for you," though I'm not quite sure yet what that means or is referring to. I'm sure I'll find out eventually.  In light of actually enjoying church for the first time in a long time, and this being the first time in a long time I actually went to church, I couldn't help remember the event that occurred on one day almost two years ago, well probably two years ago this week. I was in Europe and really upset about a choice i had made before I left, the choice I made was the right one but it caused me and someone I loved dearly a lot of pain. I was in so much pain, riding a bus through continental Europe and asked God for some sort of help--I don't remember what I asked for, maybe I asked him to take away my pain, the pain of the person I hurt, or just make the situation better in general. Almost as soon as I uttered that prayer I immediately thought, "God isn't listening to me, why would he? I'm no where near close to important." I was ashamed at myself for thinking God didn't care enough to listen, to feel something that I knew to be false, that I lectured myself. Wait, now I remember what I asked for...It was a sunny day and I was in loads of pain, so I asked for rain to accompany the pain I felt inside. Anyways, I reproached myself, saying even if he doesn't make it rain (it was a sunny, cloudless day) that didn't mean he wasn't listening or didn't care. And so I turned my thoughts and eyes and sorrow to the country side passing outside my window. Literally a few seconds later, it started raining.

Day 111.

Today has been quite exceptional. After staying up later then I have since school let out, I slept in most all day and by all day I mean until 11am or 12pm…. I can’t really remember. After waking up, getting ready to face the world, and running my errands I started reading about human nature. The only problem with my reading was that I was trying to accomplish it in one of my favorite places to nap, my second favorite place to nap actually. My house has this sun-room thing with windows everywhere and extremely comfortable couches that I fall asleep on no matter what my intentions are when I settle down on one of them. My lovely little nap lasted a couple hours while I waited on Lindsey to get off work. She and I had made plans to eat dinner and go see the new X-men film, which I might add is a really good movie. Then again I have always been partial to the X-men movies…..when I was younger I think I fancied myself one of them. Anyways, so she got off work a little later than expected so we went to subway for dinner, stashed our meal into our purses and went to the movies where I think we both polished off our food during the previews. Those sandwiches were tasty. However, about half way through the movie I realized that it was a date night and couldn’t help but share my excitement with Lindsey who of course shared in my joy at this realization. You see, for a portion of our senior year of high school, a long, long portion, every Monday night Lindsey and I would eat dinner together and then go see a movie at the Cobb. We didn’t had a lot of money, so we would either eat at one of our houses, and/or split a meal somewhere really cheap, most of the time we ate leftovers though. And then we got into the movie theater for free because I worked there at the time. Our date nights were kinda wonderful times to talk about everything and get away for life. Also, Lindsey was the only person I went out with, so it was nice pretending to be normal and going out on dates like a normal high school girl would have. So without knowing, we had another date night. To make it seem even more like a date, Lindsey and I were having a conversation that was upsetting-ish to me, and I declared, “I am not like that!” regarding what she had been comparing me too. She had previously suggested that we agree to disagree and in response to my declaration said, “Can we please not argue on our date night!?!” It was cute. Though some of the strangers standing around gave us funny looks so maybe they thought we were a couple. Speaking of me being in a couple, Caitlin and I told those working at a local gym that we were dating in an attempt to get a couples discount membership. Apparently you have to be a “husband and wife” to get the couples discount. Sad day. So apparently I am in two same sex relationships and/or I have two really close friends and all three of us are extremely comfortable in our sexualities. You can be the judge of that. 

Day 110.

Tonight I am pulling a Dan, though hopefully the world won't realize. Do you know what I am really bad about? I'm really bad about spelling words properly and using grammar properly while I am writing. I always have to look over the papers I write several times very carefully to catch the stupid common errors that I make. Want to know a really stupid Krista fact? Hmm, well, I'm going to tell you anyway-- I can't say numbers properly, like 234,093. Ya, longish numbers like that I can't seem to say properly. I mean maybe I know deep down what the correct way to say them is, but I don't like the way it sounds and/or it sounds improper.

On another note, today I have felt very blessed knowing how well I am provided for by my mother, my father, my grandmother and God. I really am just perfectly taken care of even if it means my pride has to be sacrificed because I can't be financially independent. But I am provided for more than enough and it is quite lovely. I don't deserve to be. You see, I have been worried all summer about being able to pay for things, and I just figured out yesterday how much and/or how little I was going to have to pay for school. And everything has just slidden into place perfectly in a way that I just simply don't deserve. I honestly don't deserve the opportunities I have been given and am so thankful for them, they are truly blessings. But that is really all I wanted to talk about, how blessed I am and how things just work. I asked God to open the doors he wanted me to go through and he did in more ways than I would have ever have imagined. Then again he has also just the doors he didn't want me to walk through. I banged my head against those doors before I finally got the message, but things look kinda lovely.

Day 109.

Today stared off very early, and by early I mean late the night before. As the new day started I was spending time with one of my best friends in her bed room talking about boys and our cooking plans for later in the day when it was a more appropriate time to cook and consume food. But as the clock rolled around to show 1:00am I decided it would be best to head home for bed so I could actually wake up when my alarm went off at 7am. Needless to say, I am not an night owl and I've been tired and lagging at work today because of early today, but it was worth it to see a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I'm about to leave work, I'm tired of working here, working with my mom. That is another story for another day and could be spoken purely from the brain of a sleepy me and not the brain of me that goes to work well prepared and happy. However, in the sudden turn of events that just occurred like 5 minutes ago, I am very excited. The mother of my ducklings called me. :D I will get to spend two whole days with my lovely ducklings and I'm so excited. Hmm, the thought just occurred to me to be worried because I have been gone a year and they could have changed a lot..... What if they don't like me anymore? What if they are no longer my ducklings as I remember them? That would be very sad. Lol, i remember Landon said college would change me so much and that when I came back I wouldn't like Dragon Ball Z anymore. He is right. I have grown a lot, changed according to some a lot, but I still feel like the strange me I have always been. However, Landon is also wrong. because I frickin love DBZ still today as much as I did then. I can't wait to see how they have grown as people and how they have changed. AHHHHH!!! I can't believe it has been a year since i have seen my ducklings and I finally get to see them again....

wow, I can't believe it has been a year since all that happened last summer.

Day 108.

I am happy. I uploaded previous days' blogs and do not have to work tonight so I am going to see a movie. Maybe I will have that friend join me, maybe not. Either way, I am excited and I get to see caitlin tomorrow:) Yesterday I worked from 9am-11:44pm with 45 minutes of none work time. It was fun and stuff. Now, I am going to play after working 9-5 with difficult customers. I do not quite have the patience to write about anything special tonight except to share the words of a song I discovered I loved today.
make me think in a good and healthy way about my life and world. I wouldn't change my day for the world.

You think that I go home at night
Take off my clothes, turn out the lights
But I burn letters that I write
To you, to make you love me

Yeah, I drive naked through the park
And run the stop sign in the dark
Stand in the street, yell out my heart
To make, to make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

You may not believe in me
But I believe in you
So I still take the trash out
Does that make me too normal for you?

So dig a little deeper, cause
You still don't get it yet
See me lickin' my lips, need a primitive fix
And I'll make, I'll make you love me

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess

See me jump through hoops for you
You stand there watching me performing
What exactly do you do?
Have you ever thought it's you that's boring?
Who the hell are you?

I am extraordinary, if you'd ever get to know me
I am extraordinary, I am just your ordinary
Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho
Supergoddess
Average every day sane psycho

Average every day sane psycho

Day 107.

HI there. I have this strange feeling that tonight was purposefully orchestrated for a few different reasons, well actually one big reason. And, honestly, it is quite comical (and/or humiliating) in a ‘I can’t believe this is my life but it would totally happen to me’ kind of fashion. That being said, let me tell you about tonight.

My co-worker, lacey, the one I like so much and who took my Saturday shift so I could go see my dad, asked me to take her shift tonight two hours before it started. Normally I would have been a little frustrated and would have wanted to say no because I only have one work outfit and I hadn’t washed it from when I worked the night before. However, not only had lacey given me a favor, but she told me she couldn’t find anyone to sit with her kids because her mother, who was going to, had to stay overnight at the hospital for what seemed a serious reason. Why would I want to say no to her after hearing that? So I told her not a problem at all and frantically rushed home from the insurance agency to do laundry then ran back to the office to tie up some loose strings. After I finished up at the office I had like 45min to eat dinner, change clothes, and drive back to the office where I had left my cell before I had to go to the restaurant. It seemed like a normal night for the most part, though rather on the slow side. I kept getting frustrated because the servers kept putting all of their tables dishes in the busstubs instead of taking them to the kitchen like they are supposed to with the exception of extreme rush. Thus, I spended more time emptying busstubs then I did bussing tables. Once when I was unloading said tub, one of the servers came in and emptied her own dishes in the dishroom like the servers are supposed to. I was so annoyed at the other servers and knew better than to say anything to them, so I instead told this server, ‘thank you for bringing your dishes in, I really appreciate it.’ I simply couldn’t keep my mouth shut, and saying thanks seemed more productive then telling someone to shove it. Well, said server ended up going on a rant about how the other servers should be doing their job instead of making my life harder and consequently prevent tables from being cleared which prevents new tables from being seated which lessens everyone’s tip money.  Long sentence, much? I just responded with thanks and didn’t really say anything else. She ended up going and speaking with the manager on duty about it, who stalked to the other servers and my night got easier. Sure, dishes still ended up in the tub, but that is okay because it got rather busy and the servers stopped, for the most part, putting their dishes in the tub and then going to smoke while I did their work.  So that was good.

Part II: so you know how I told myself I wouldn’t quit my job as a busser until I no longer felt  above the job? Well, tonight I was thinking I’m over being prideful about silliness and I don’t think I care people seeing me do this nasty work because it is good, honest, hard work. So of course at around 9 o’clock thirty people come in to be seated unannounced, as in they didn’t have a reservation. And who would this group consist of? Well, I graduated high school with about half of them and several, if not all, the adults knew me personally and professionally. So I see these popular kids I had so many classes with— actually we had been in the same classes for four years because we were the smart kids, they were just popular while I disenfranchised myself.  Through that I was still thinking that I don’t really care, I don’t  care what they think of my doing this job….I might have also been thinking that I’m going to a better school than them too and other prideful things which doesn’t help my humble progress. So of course as I am walking by a table made of up this group with a huge, heavy busstub, one of the faces turns around and says, ‘krista! I didn’t know you worked here.” Of course it would be the person I have been trying to hang out with lately. Of course that person who happened to see me bussing tables with food all over my shirt and my hair matted with sweat to me head would be probably the only person out of my graduating class who’s opinion of me I actually care about, excepting my close friends. On the upside I wasn’t mortified, but I’m not quite sure how I feel about it even now. On the other upside, we talked as the group was leaving and plans should still be on for going to see a movie sometime soon. I mean, we’ve hung out at least once every single time we’ve been home from school at the same time this past year, so wealthy friend shouldn’t judge poor one who works hard-core, right? And to think earlier in the evening I was writing this blog in my head about Charlie (another kid I graduated with) flashed his voted best in class smile at me while I was bussing and it didn’t get a squeak from my pride at all. I was wondering if it was just because I knew he was a nice guy and most likely wouldn’t judge, but now I realize that I didn’t care what they thought of me in high school and I certainly don’t care now. That is why id didn’t bug me, not because I gotten over being so darn prideful about the whole thing. 

Day 106.

Warning: this blog discusses a controversial topic and Krista really doesn’t know what she is talking about. Please read with several grains of salt.

Today is Monday, and like the week before I had to call into the Tin Top to see if whether or not I was working. They so often post schedules the day before it becomes active and sometimes the day of which can make it very frustrating. After I called and was informed that I was scheduled to work at 5pm, I started kinda chilling at my day job. If I can swing it, which so far hasn’t been a problem, I like to have an hour or two of chill time in between jobs for my own sanity. Mom was gone from the office and I had decided work time was over for me so I started to peruse  Facebook, blogger, and the sights I usually go to when I log onto the internet for a little while. In my Facebook newsfeed are numerous news articles from various news outlets because that is how I choose to keep up with the news. Off the top of my head I think I have the Seattle Times, New York Times, Huffington Post, CBS, and Al Jezeera all sending news articles to my newsfeed. So when I scroll through my news feed I can read an article’s title and the first few sentences of it to see if it is something I actually want to read or not. Well an article from one of the times caught my eye this afternoon because honestly I didn’t understand the title at first—it had been a long day at work. The article was titled, “My Ex-Gay Friend,” which I immediately clicked on to read further because I at first interpreted the title to mean ‘my ex-friend who is gay.’ I thought that was odd so I wanted to read about this really sucky friend who decided their friend wasn’t good enough to be there friend just because he was gay. Honestly, that thinking bothers me a little bit. As I read the article it became clear to me what the title actually said and that the whole thing was about this man’s friend who was once gay, worked for national magazines for young gay men and even started his own, and then decided he was no longer gay and found God, becoming one of the Christian fundamentalist he used to hate so much. I didn’t get to finish the article so I’m not sure in what direction the author, a gay man who had known the subject since they were both in their early twenties, took the article. Maybe reading the rest of the article would help my thoughts settle because I’m not sure how I feel about the article, well not really the article but the words the ex-gay was saying. I’m not so sure if I understand him (how could I? I’m not an ex-gay man.) I guess I’m not quite understanding his words then. From what I read his “Christian” rhetoric didn’t seen faulty, but something about it didn’t sit right in my stomach. I’m not sure if it was because he was so condemning and unforgiving of something he used to be. Then again, it could be that maybe I don’t want to accept what my religion, depending on who you talk to, says because I would rather accept something different. Hmm, I refuse to assume I know everything about the truth, the way things are, or the way things should be. Imma love, well try to anyways, everyone I know regardless of who or what they are. Actually, I think I do know what is gritting inside of me right now. The author of the article quoted the ex-gay man of saying that the gay community’s mantra, “the only truth is Love,” is horribly false. Firstly, I have no idea if that is a major mantra. Secondly, as a straight female I think the only truth is love and think it is peculiar for a Christian to think differently. Maybe the difference is that I think love is different than what I think most others think it is. So to me, God is love, and/or all that is love makes up a part of who/what God is though not all that he is. Does that make sense? All that is love makes up a portion of what God is? Yes, that is what I mean. Sorry, I don’t mean to be repetitive—I just had to write it a few times to say correctly. My logic, says that God=truth, God=love, so there isn’t a big problem with truth=love. Maybe my logic is faulty, but I don’t know, I think that man needs to think a little and not be so zealous. Ha, but who am I to judge? I think I should read the rest of the article, but I’m not sure if even then I’ll be kosher with the man, or his ideas, or what he claims are Christian ideals. As I was driving home from the office I contemplated the article and just wished I understood more about God and the bible to be able to discern better what is right and what is wrong. I used to think I knew what was right and what was wrong, but thankfully, I have since learned to be a little (lot) less presumptuous. I mean, who am I to understand everything, how divinity thinks and/or works, what is truly right and truly wrong?  I think good guesses can be made, but isn’t that all they are, guesses?

Day 105.

Today I had a really great day. Dad and I went kayaking, something I truly love to do, in the ocean ( also known as the big bay in front of the actual ocean) which is a place I have never kayaked before. To make the day even more interesting, I didn't have a swim suite because silly me didn't think that on her less than 24hr trip to see her father that she would end up needing a bathing suit. Little did i know dad would mention kayaking as a possibility for the day. Thankfully I had the thought to bring my favorite shorts and one of my favorite t-shirts as pajamas for the evening instead of another pajama ensemble that would have been inappropriate to wear out in public because the only other clothing I brought with me to dad's were dresses. So being my interesting self, I just wore my pajamas to the beach and looked like a crazy kid for swimming in shorts and a t-shirt instead of a swim suite. Kayaking was a total blast though. When I settle down, I think I would like to purchase one (knowing me it will of course be a one person vessel because I don't do well with others in my life) and use it in whatever water I settle near, be it a big ocean or small river. I had a great day with a wonderful man who loves me and teaches me. However, my life isn't perfect. There was one bad thing about today and, on the drive over from Panama City Beach, I debated on whether or not to talk about it here. As I have previously said, I try to keep the bad things out of this blog. Though, my life isn't perfect and I would like this blog to reflect my life. I received another email from John today which was as upsetting as most of the other emails he has sent me in the past four years. In this email, not only am I not his daughter and disowned, but I am apparently also an "alien life form." Honestly, that is kinda funny. What upsets me the most about his emails are not the venom and hate that seep through every sentence, but the doubts they arise. For example, in the email he made me doubt how much love I treat my brother with, which is important to me to make sure Michael knows I love him, because...well I do love him. John also made me further doubt my ability to have a successful relationship which people know is something I struggle with enough. It made me doubt my ability to do the right thing as well as doubt both my own mother's intentions and actions. Honestly, what gets to me the most, what bothers me the most, is that John wants me to doubt all those things, creates his emails accordingly, and that it works. I mean, I know better than to let them get to me, but they do anyway. THAT is what bothers me the most. So on the drive back home, instead of contemplating on my wonderful day with my dad, I played therapist with myself and tried to ask myself and answer the hard questions I thought a therapist would ask me. Such as, why do the emails, this email, bother you so much? I came up with the above answer and thought about them all as much as I could push myself to. What I came to is this:

I resolved to work harder on my relationship with my brother and work on being able to one day being able to have a conversation with him about mom if that is something he feels the need to talk to me about--i care enough about him to try to listen to him about that no matter how hard it will be for me. It made me also further accept that I have commitment issues, but picking out men who are

"smooth talking con artist, that isn't telling the truth and is taking advantage of her decent, caring, compassionate nature,"  is not something i am going to do. ( I mean, I have only dated two guys, ONLY TWO! Mostly out of choice as well. And neither of those guys were or are con artists, but were sweet and kind and never, I felt, took advantage of me or tried to manipulate me. Gah, forester and Thomas can speak for themselves of being perfectly lovely people.)  I may have my walls, issues with vulnerability and commitment, but I will not let someone take advantage or mistreat me. I also thought further about how I am imperfect and make more than my share of mistakes no matter how hard I strive to be perfect. But that that is ok, too. I cannot beat myself up for making mistakes while I am trying so hard to do what is right and it isn’t quite right for john to try to beat me up for mistakes I have made, especially when I have done what I can to make them right. Among other things, I also had to think about my mother, issues she has, and the wrong and right things she has done.  Though I couldn’t help but to think that while there is nothing wrong in contemplating the issues of one’s parental units, that the way John goes about it, trying to literally make me think about the issues is full of venom and only out of hate, is not the productive or loving to go about it. I think it is something I should think about, though I think I’ll need therapy to help me, but I want to do it in a way that will foster love and promote familial relationships instead of the way john would have me that would destroy relationships. It will be hard, but I think loving people is important and that loving my family and myself is important enough to eventually do it.

I believe loving people is worth it. I believe in a kind of love that is healing and supportive. I believe in a romantic love that works, though I am so frightened that I am unable to participate in a love like that even though I want it so badly. Love--what an interesting thing that humans crave so much, stress and fight over, but feel they need anyway. You know, I don't care. If I can't romantically love someone, I'm going to pour my heart out to people anyways, people of all shapes and sizes, those who may need it even more. I may have my walls, my vulnerability and commitment issues, and my trust issues, but I am going to love people anyways in whatever fashion I can, by being giving of myself and time...If that makes any sense to you.

I had a great day filled with sun and great music, good company and delicious food. I also had an email to make me think in a good and healthy way about my life and world. I wouldn't change my day for the world.

Day 104.

Yes, this is late being posted, but rest assured, I am writing it on time. I left Gulf Shores today for Panama City Beach where my dad lives because it is Father’s Day and if I had crazy ex-wives, two biological children, and two former step children, I would want at least one family member around me. I also made the three hour trek that turned into four hours because of horrible traffic because I truly and honestly love my dad. I may be a former step-daughter, but I am and will always be his daughter. On my way over to my Dad’s I stopped at my grandmother’s house which was on the way about 45min into the drive. I am not the best granddaughter in the world to a woman who helps me financially with school and life quite a bit, but I try to visit and/or talk to her frequently. My grandma is nice as far as grandmothers go and she is really good to me for the most part. It is difficult to talk to her when she starts talking about how she doesn’t have any daughters, that she had them but they were so horrible she disowned them. You see, my mother is one of those disowned daughters. I’ll go ahead and say that the two women had a falling out in which they were both wrong, but I doubt if either can fully recognize that. It would take a miracle for them to talk to one another again, the kind of miracle that only happens on a death bed. I’m pleased to report that my grandma is doing well, very well, though I wish she would slow down a little bit with things in general. She and I had a nice chat. After I left her house and before I got stuck in miserable traffic, I started thinking about how things are cyclical— how there is life in death and beginnings in endings, but also death in life and endings in beginnings. I think learning things happen in cycles is a hard lesson for people to learn and that it is interesting that while our whole loves are circles, the earth, if you were to take a cross section of it, would be a circle. The very thing that is our physical life source is a circle. (Now, I know there may be a smart person who would say we don’t need the earth to live and that may or may not be true, but just accept.) I actually thought about something a lot cooler with my cyclic thoughts, but I forgot it. Maybe I’;; remember tomorrow. 

Day 103. The actual blog

I have so many inappropriate thoughts that I want to talk about tonight, but I try to keep this area free of bad things, of complaints, of the complicated thoughts that could so easily be misunderstood and wrongly perceived. I will write of my mad thoughts elsewhere I suppose. That being said, I’m not quite sure what to say… Lacey took my shift tomorrow night so that I can be in Panama City Beach with my dad for Father’s Day. I hope me being there will be enough because I don’t have anything planned for him and I don’t know what to get him. On my birthday, I don’t mind not getting anything (though what self-centered teenage girls doesn’t love receiving gifts) as long as I have the attention and presence of people I love. Maybe I should try to pick him up something anyways. If he hadn’t stopped smoking I would get him a cigar, I like them almost as much as he does, but because he stopped smoking them for health reasons I am most certainly not going to make that purchase for him. I love my dad so much. I know I wrote about father’s day a blog or two ago, but I guess it is just on my mind. I feel so grateful towards him, I can’t imagine my life without him, and all that he does for me, most importantly, for being there for me. I have never been one of those girls in most every classification of those. ( excepting the those girls that refers to the weird Christian girls that don’t date because like I said, they are weird. I’ll claim my weirdness and say that I have partially gotten over it…or maybe not.) As I was saying, I was never one of those girls that was all about being a daddy’s girl or any body’s girl, really. It wasn’t until my grandfather died that I realized I was thought of as his princess and my grandmother’s angel. I mean, they used to call me those nicknames, but I never really thought about it or let it become ingrained in my identity like those girls that wear articles of clothing all decked out in “I’m [insert relative/significant other]’s girl.” I guess I used things to define myself other than my familial relationships. That being said, my dad will always be my daddy. Even though I am often woken up before I want to, I will always smile when he texts me, ‘good morning, have a great day, I love you.’ I will always good heartedly laugh at my pathetic life when I go a long while and the only person I text is my dad. I can’t really imagine a time in my life when I won’t need him. Pfft, that being said from the girl who has a hard time admitting she needs anybody or anything. What are you talking about, I don’t need anything other than myself….. Ha, even I know that isn’t true. Speaking of needing things, I realized at work tonight that I really desire that people, at work and, I suppose, in life in general, appreciate that I work hard and judge me for that instead of judging me for the work I do. Like being a busser, why should someone look down on me for bussing tables if I am working hard and doing a good job? They shouldn’t. I am starting to think that there is nothing wrong with most jobs as long as those who are doing them, do them well and to the best of their ability. But then again, if that person’s best straight up sucks, theu will most likely be fired… maybe there is a whole in my logic. Speaking of bussing tables, my brother thinks there is something fundamentally wrong with me because I don’t want to quit bussing for a “nicer” job in order to learn a life lesson and/or get over being so darn prideful. He said my purpose is to make money and that if I want a life experience, I can pet a rabid animal of some sorts. I think he is wrong, not about my purpose, but about other things. While I agree with him that I may have things wrong with me, I do not think this is one of them. I instead think this is a good thing. I also think he is wrong in the idea that work is work and we should accomplish our work agendas without factoring in and considering the life experience we gain into our work equations. If we work blindly with the thought that we don’t need to gain life experience in our menial jobs because we can find it elsewhere, we could end up missing out on many great learning opportunities that life may not offer to us again. We could be so busy working that we could forget to experience life and to learn everything it has to teach/show us. And I of course want to know everything so it makes sense that I wouldn’t give up on this opportunity to learn. That being said, I’m still not sure if I am going to apply for the nicer job at the other restaurant yet. 

Day 103.

I have to much to say tonight to type a blog on my phone. I'm also lying in my bed where I do not have an internet connection icing my injured foot. Thus, I'm going to type a blog on my computer tonight and post it here tomorrow.

Day 102.

It is currently 3:24 central time and I am sitting at the office where I just impersonated my boss/mother for the past hour trying to fix a stupid billing with Century Link's customer service. I swear I have to call them once a month, which I guess isn't very often, but it is terribly annoying. Technically I should still be on the clock though I intended to leave the office at 3. The phone call went over my three o'clock limit of being in the office until I just decided that they didn't know what they were talking about and I wanted some down time before I had to go to work at the Tin Top. Hence, I decided I would call customer service back tomorrow with the direct number I was mercifully given. A good friend of mine, I lived with her for a week not knowing her before hand and decided we would be friends for life, said that you are what you need in the world. On a smaller scale maybe that is why I blog so much. Maybe I need to see others having the same raw, unfiltered, stream of conscious thought that so often ends up appropriately or inappropriately on this blog or my other one. I admit I try to save the appropriate content for this public one and hide everything else in my other...  This thought comes because I so enjoy reading other's blogs about random stuff that they feel like talking about. Take Pi Crust for example, I read his blog every time he posts and I would feel like a stalker about it except for the fact that he knows I read it. It makes me feel more sane to read someone else's blog about their thoughts and life and to hear that i am not the only person who finds relief in writing, relief in sharing one's thoughts with the world, with whomever cares to listen, errr read, I mean. I know it is rather early in the evening to be writing, but I have to go to work tonight and I just don't want to have to write afterward when I feel gross and my finger nails are covered in a unique mixture that I would attempt to describe to you but I don't want you to throw up.

My professors have always told me I am horrible at writing transitions and I should use this outlet to practice them; however, today I have been inspired to deprive any readers of a smooth and luxurious transition and just throwing a writing brick to your face. I hope your nose didn't break.

While I was driving to the respectable job this morning I heard an artist talk about a song they had written for their father as a Father's Day gift and why they had written it. Listening to the artist and her lyrics made me reflect my most interesting childhood and the father figures I had, what they provided me with, and what I felt/feel for them. For various reasons I feel like I only had one (out of a lot of men) father figure that many others don't believe exists. Yes, I'm talking about God being a literal father to me while I was growing up. Currently and for the past years I have been extremely close to my dad, well former step-dad. but my dad for all intents and purposes. He is my favorite person to live with, to talk about boys with, and to get advice from. He is the one that I rely on the most, which thinking about it may be weird thinking about how close I am with my mom. But it's true, I rely on my dad more and partly because now there are things I try to protect my mom from and I need my dad to lean on. When I was younger I don't think I was as close with my dad though. for various reasons too like John being n my life and my dad working all the time and the fights that were always going on in my family. So than my father figure was really the ultimate father and we cultivated what I think was kind of a weird, but, never the less, a close relationship. Feel free to think I'm crazy--I think I am. So I guess this morning I was overcome with a thankfulness for my two fathers and the peculiarity of the way I was raised and the possession of such a close relationship with an earthly dad now. it has been such a blessing these past few years. I think he knows he will always be my daddy and that I will probably ask him to tuck me into bed until I get married. I'm a very fortunate girl.

Now for dinner and work. Yay for being a busser. Remind me to discuss the issue of my pride associated with this job. I've told myself I cannot quit until I either get over it or go back to school.

Day 101.

Thank you Thomas for pointing out my mental lapse that was revealed in my blog numbering. If my number skills maintain themselves, statistics this upcoming semester will be very interesting. To be honest with you, blog, I have been in a mood of sorts lately and not a good mood either. I'm not quite sure if it is the shock of leaving all that is Atlanta has set me slightly off kilter or my lack of sleep is catching up to me, but this unpleasant mood has become a little too much--Tehe, it is driving mother crazy. God, thank you for patient people who love me. At 2pm today I just had to leave the office, I couldn't bare to spend another minute in there so I peaced out, with permission of course. The boss lady asked me what I was going to do when I got home to which I sharply replied that I was going to read. When I got home I seriously contemplated reading for about five seconds before I decided the only place for me to be at the time and place was my bed, and that the only appropriate thing for me to do was to sleep. Three hours later I woke up in a much more pleasant mood. Hopefully, I will stop bugging people who don't want to be bothered and my natural craziness will subside slightly. Dinner was nice in the way that your belief your family is crazy is proved every time they are gathered together for more then 30min. After the event I will affectionatly describe as a freak show, we went to go "kiss goodnight" some family friends only to discover after we walked into their home that they were asleep. So mom and jim talked to Tabitha and her boyfriend for about thirty minutes while I sat on the couch and talked to Ally Dicks about kids we graduated with and what they are doing. Tabitha and Ally are kids from my graduating class that went to Auburn with a lot of others from our school and, I guess, they have an idea of what happened to everyone, well most of the "popular" kids anyways. Although Ally and I were good friends in elementary/middle schoolish years, I haven't had a real conversation with her in quite sometime, but it was nice catching up for a few moments and made up for the people we had originally gone there to see being asleep. Interesting fact of the day: I chomped the inside of my lid at dinner tonight in the most unpleasant way. Now the skin is raised and I can't help chewing on it. Maybe that isn't the best or most normal thing in the world. Hm, oh well. I was thinking tonight would be a good night to skype, but no one is one. I think I'll go to sleep or try to.

Day 80.

Well apparently yesterday was supposed to be 79 and I should change it, but sometimes I like looking at my mistakes. So life is most definitely interesting. I'm not quite sure why i do this to myself. By this, I mean discuss things with people. Okay, well not all things to all people though I'm starting to realize that I should keep my mouth shut more often than I already do--It is so hard. Yesterday I realized that I feel suffocated in Alabama, that i can't discuss my thoughts, ideas, and feelings because so many of the things I want to talk about are not usually appropriate conversation topics. If on the rare occasion there is someone who can stomach a conversation on any one of the various ideas I'm thinking of, their opinion is so radical that it is impossible to have an intelligent conversation with them. Not that radicals are not intelligent, they just make intelligent discussion difficult to the point of making it impossible. Anywho, today I decided to share this Krista fact with my mother who doesn't understand and who turned around and discussed it with another women who just doesn't understand. They both feel like this is a "stage" that I will grow out of and that my opinions will become less radical and I'll have people to talk to when that happens. They also think that I will eventually not care about these things and that then I won't feel suffocated either. Alabama must have gotten to them to because no amount of explaining would open their eyes. Alabama is strangling me. It isn't that my opinions and view points are radical, unless I'm radically moderate? I'm a middle ground person, I can see the validity in both sides of most arguments. i don't think that will change...I have a feeling the older I get the more my beliefs will move themselves directly into the middle of the street where they get hit by every car. Sounds like fun, right? I understand and appreciate that humans are not often passionate about the same things for their entire lives like these two women were trying to communicate to me. What I was unable to get them to understand is that while I am passionate about some of the "unacceptable" topics of conversation, a lot of them are just things I am interested in because I find them.... interesting. What a shocker. Just like pokemon and DBZ and Sailor moon were interesting to me when I was a child and are still interesting to me now, so I think the things that grab my interest will mostly always grab my attention and intrigue. I feel insulted when someone tells me that this big issue you care about now, will no longer be important to you in the future. To say, hey you radical, you will eventually calm down from this subject matter, is one thing. To say, hey you who care about things, in ten years you won't care enough to give it a second thought, is another. (I suppose that happens with things like being really concerned about how ones hair looks like on a given day, but bigger things.) Watch me come back and read this in twenty years and realize that I no longer care about human rights or the U.S. deficit enough to give them a second glance and that I in fact actually avoid all discussions and thoughts of them. Future self, be ashamed and upset with yourself for letting thoughts go and, if for nothing else, making those women right! How's that for typical teenage angst? I think that if I ever do become a counselor, human rights will be extremely important to me. I mean, wouldn't it be hard to care for people if I was unconcerened about gender, racial, sexual orientation, refugee, political, social, and economical rights? Ha, most of the time I say human rights because the racial, sexual orientation, and sometimes economical rights make others uncomfortable. I don't like being that one kid who brings up what we just simply don't talk about because it isn't polite, but doesn't someone have to make the world feel uncomfortable when they become to content with what is, especially when what is is so wrong? My pastors have told me, well our congregations, my whole life that when Christians become to content with their lives as is, something falls amiss and bad things creep back into their lives. I think that is true, I know that saying it has happened to me doesn't make it an absolute fact, but it has happened to me. I also think it is true of a world that is struggling to live what is right-- something I wishfully think the United States tries to do. Though, it seems like there is too much contentedness on some topics, which demands that someone rustles feathers. I never wanted to be the aggravate, but I will be if I have to be.

Day 80?

I just got off work at the Tin Top and my legs hurt, my back hurts, my feet hurt, my clothes are stained, I'm covered in the disgusting restaurant, and I'm sleepy. But I now have $38 dollars in my pocket plus over a weeks worth of memories to keep me pleasently occupied.I so loved my time with my girls at Girls State that I can't properly describe why. I mean, personally some things happend that were really upsetting like fighting with people. (I was not made to fight with others.) But those girls, the opportunities to teach, encourage, love, and basically pour into them. Now I had twenty-eight of them and only a week so I'm not sure how much I was able to touch any of their lives, but here's is to hoping I made a positive impact.side note: I'm typing this on my phone and I can't really read what I've written so please forgive me if a long sentence doesn't make sense.) Anyway, those girls really brightened my world. That reminds me, my sisters really brighten my world too. Friday, the day I was to leave Troy, my mom asked me to visit her for a day in Knoxville. Thus, I began a road trip to see important people. Granted, I didn't get to see all the important people, I got to see a bunch:) driving North through Atlanta I stayed with and got to see Racheal, Sonya, and Justin. Then Knoxville to visit my mom. We ended up leaving Knoxville the morning after I arrived and drove to Chattanooga for the afternoon. Our lovely stay in what was one of my favorite cities only lasted about three hours. Then mother and I went our sperate ways, she home to the beach while I stopped in ATL for another evening. This time I stayed with Chelsea whom I stole to eat dinner with me and Ramika in the city. My chelsea lives about 45min outside the city which was great for me in the morning traffic--i didn't get stuck in aweful traffic. But because Easton was out of town on my first drive though, Chels and I stopped by the college kid apartment so I got to see Sonya, Justin, and Racheal again. My sisters and those boys really do make my heart happy. I have to admit sometime I feel creepy when I admit how important they are to me, I mean they are just my friends, right? Well yes, but they are often my life-support too. Interesting fact: I have realized that Alabama feels suffocating, I feel like I am suffocating here because I can't talk about certain things and I can't be completely me. No, I'm not in the closet. I just like to talk about strange things that aren't welcome conversation topics in this interesting state of mine. Thus, I keep my mouth shut and sometimes I stop thinking about those topics that used to consume my mind and heart. Don't you see how that could be suffocating. On the upside, I have a habit of talking about those subjects even though they are not welocme-- it causes lots of adults to feel really uncomfortable. I'm okay with that.

Day 98.

This has been an interesting weekend to say the least. Tonight I will fall asleep in someone else's bed in a city I have never been to before tonight. My day started with a an early although lazy morning and an achy back. Mom  and I woke up, backed, and hopped in our respective cars to drive quickly to Chattanooga, TN where we explored and ate the most delicious Indian food. Well, it was either extremely yummy or we were just really hungry. After we fulfilled the need every empty stomach demands, we walked through the beautiful art district that causes mother and I to both want to move to Chattanooga either permanently or semi-permanently. I saw a bakery and demanded mother and i walk in though she really didn't need much convincing and we ended up leaving the amazing shop with five loafs of amazing looking and hopefully tasting bread. After visiting that shop, I think I want to change my profession and sell bread in a bread shop. I think it would be a great idea. Afterwards, mom again hopped back in our cars and left for quick drives. This time she drove home to Alabama and I drove home to Atlanta. It may sound weird but the Atlanta skyline feels and looks like home to me now. I hate living away from the city--I miss it so much. Unfortunately though, I have to work tomorrow night so instead of spending a few days in ATL like I wanted too and originally planned, I have to drive back home tomorrow in order to get there in time to work at the restaurant. I think I work at five though I'm not sure if it is really five thirty. I'm happy for the job, but I'm bitter about not being able to stay in Atlanta longer and them just telling me today that I have to work tomorrow. That is just unkind. Anywho, all the driving was completely worth getting to eat dinner with Ramika and Chelsea, and driving out of my way was totally worth seeing Easton. You see, I had been to his house yesterday, and/or left his house for Knoxville yesterday morning, but he wasn't there...I got to chill with his lovely house mates that I love dearly, but not him. So I dragged Chels with me to go visit for I think an hour and it was totally worth it. Side note: I love seeing my friends being cute and happy with their significant others--it simply warms my heart. Non-side note: I love being surrounded by the love of my friends and I miss them and it has nice to be home before I have to go back into the summer exile that is summer time. I hope I can afford to stay home next summer. Now, I am tired and have to drive seven hour tomorrow so I think I'm going to go to sleep. Good night, I wish you the sweetest of dreams.

Day 97.

As I lay in bed at a Knoxville hotel thinking about what to say, I can't help but to think it was a rather uneventful day. I woke up on a friend's couch in Atlanta hoping I hadn't slept in as late as I had and wishing I had more time to sleep. I rolled off the couch, threw on some clothes, woke everyone up to say bye, and then stopped at QT for the best drink in the world before speeding up to Knoxville. There were only two things interesting about that drive: I couldn't find another QT and I stopped at a very sketchy looking gas station in the middle of nowhere to buy water and use the bathroom. The people were very nice, but the whole thing just belonged in a horror film. Mom and I made a nice and quiet afternoon/evening of it though now I'm content to cuddle up with Hugo jr and go to sleep.

Day 95.

It has been a rather long day full of Girls State activities, but the days ending has been the most memorable. I have made a life time friend here named Mandy Stanely who is like me in very many important ways. Earlier in the day we bonded over racial issues and certain other things, though this evening it was strictly personal stories that caused us to bond and to better realize how much we understand the other. Now that it is almost 4am, I have to be up at 6am, Mandy and I are finally done talking and done with the work she, I, and our other co-counselor were doing for our girls. We made them each a little goody bag with candy, a ring, and a winner badge and placed them right outside all of the girls bedroom doors. We also made each girl a card in which all three of us wrote personal messeges and place those cards under the goody bags. I hope they appreciate it and that I was somehow able to touch at least a few of their lives. They are lovely young women and I am very blessed to have met them. I am full of good wishes for them and cannot believe tomorrow is my last day with them. Sweet and sour endings. I'm ready to finally maintain all the conversations I've started and stopped because of my busy scheduale here. I can't wait for skype calls.

Day 94.

This week has been a roller coaster of mountainous ups and deep downs for me. The lowest down I must admit was last night when I wrote the rather emo post about what I was currently going through. Tonight on the other hand has been a huge up. I love my girls so much, they have made my first experience as a counselor so incredibly amazing and I want to do this over and over again. I haven't gotten to connect with everyone of them individually yet, but they seem to have connected as a group pretty well and I feel like I have connected with quite a few of them. Every year, Girls State has skit night where every city prepares a skit to perform on this huge stage and when they're done us counselors surprise them with our own skit. Since we were surprising the girls, my other co-counselors and I have been a bit distant the past two afternoons which was unusual; we have been all up in there business in a caring and I hope nurturing way all week. So during skit night, all the counselors sat together and everyone else sat with their city. I couldn't sit with my girls but I Mandy and I just had to move front and center when they perform. They did so good! I am so proud of them. Well, the night of scheduled activities ended earlier than some of the other nights and we all had to vote on a few things before bed anyways so we snagged the big downstairs common room. We voted, chatted, ate pizza that Shelby surprised them with. One of the girls made awards for everyone that were incredibly thoughtful and just so sweet and including. I got "best-friend and counselor" award because "I showed the all pictures of my boyfriends." Ha. Though I think there was more to it than that, or at least I hope so. They all went bonkers when they saw me looking at my facebook and I saw Alfred's new hair cut. One of them wanted me to tell him to add her on facebook. These are high school kids...  Oh goodness. Their skit was making fun of themselves and their mistakes in the most loveliest of manners that shows such a good character and heart that few adults have. I really hope Mandy, Shelby, and I have been able to touch their lives in some ways. They are so special, unique, and wonderful. We have an Asian rapper that broke out in free style for us and is legit one of the coolest, hippest people I have ever met and I can't believe she waited until tonight to tell her about one of her passions. We have a miny Lindsey Holmes, who I love and adore and want to take home with me and protect from herself just like I have so many times wanted to do to Lindsey. They have the same wonderful and good spirit that has been suppressed and suffocated by different things and thus they make decisions I wouldn't. But then again, who says what I think is always best. It isn't. We have a young woman who has never been away from home before but who is standing before crowds and taking risks and making new friends. Each young lady has their own special story and attributes that I don't have the energy to write all. I could see every single one being a Sigma, which is a huge compliment coming from me...I rarely see people and think, you live up to Sigmaness. Oh and I have made such good friends with the counselors here. I adore my co-counselors; they are both amazing though I have made a special connection with Mandy. I told her today that I plan on her and I being friends for quite a long time. .....I'm actually planning her wedding right now and will be the made of honor though she didn't really approve of my choice of her groom..... Can you tell I might like my girls a little bit?

Day 93.

You. I feel like I try so hard to make things work though I honestly do not know how. I figured if I could change me, change the way I did things, that I could make things between you and I work. All that seems to happen instead is fighting, tears falling, and hurt feelings. I apologized. I tried to make things work again and again. I put up with the insults to me and to others. I explained to you that I was willing to make it work but we had to start over and forget the past. I don't understand why you can't do that. I don't understand why you have to attack me and be dishonest and manipulative. You will believe you are neither, and I think that likely most every psychologist will say that you are. I hate that you make me cry. You make me feel like the responsibility of the relationship is all mine. You make me feel like the failure of our relationship is all mine. You make me feel like all the mistakes are my fault. You tell me I shouldn't hear the things you say as you say them and that my feelings aren't valid. You won't change. All you do is hate. I hate that I
m staying awake when I want to be asleep because I don't want to think about it by myself. I hate that I'm letting you upset me when I am supposed to be taking care of my girls and as a result I am being less patient with them. I hate that you upset me so much I had to go to the bathroom, get on my knees, and pray because I didn't know how else to react except in violent and tearful ways. I feel unsure, angry, mad, sad, and hurt. I feel like you are ruining my relationship with my brother and that upsets me more than anything because he is so important to me and he is one of the three men in this world that I actually and honestly love.

That is how I feel.

I think that no one person in a relationship should ever be (or feel) responsible for the whole think. I think that in every decision regarding our relationship I have tried to do what I thought was best at the time for myself while trying to be as unselfish as that allowed me. I think that if I choose to be a busser for the rest of my life and was amazing as Lacey, that that wouldn't be a bad thing even if that isn't what I want to do. I think you do lie. I think are incredible manipulative and that it is obvious to see where you say something meaning one thing while communicating and trying to accomplish something totally different. I think I am a strong woman thanks to the strength God lends me. I think that I do think critically and that you cannot accept that I have come from different conclusions that you have. I think I made mistakes but that the biggest one you talk about was three years ago and I have tried to make you for it. I think you can't accept that either. I think I don't deserve those insults and haven't warranted them. I think that the failure of the relationship is the faults of us both, though I am placing the majority of the responsibility for that failure on you because I have done everything I can short of going to see you. I think that if we can't get along via email we won't be able to get along face to face. I think my feelings are valid.

That is what I think.

I know I talked to my dad on the phone for half an hour today crying while he confirmed all my silent thoughts that were conflicting with my feelings. I know that I will decide what I think is the right thing to do and then I will do that. I know who my fathers are, God and Richard Hodges. I know that I am loved. I know I am worthy of respect and not insults, of relationships free of continual intentional hurt. I know who I am is not who you think I am--I am glad that is the case. I know I do not want to be the kind of person you're proud of. I know I do not feel the need for your approval. I know I do not feel the need for you in my life.

That is what I know.

Day 91.

Today the girls arrived nervous, excited, and some were even ready for the week to be already over. I know from experience that their first day seems like the longest while also being the scariest. Despite trying to talk to all of them and being as friendly and encouraging as possible, I fear some of them still feel out of place and I feel inept at my job, but enough about my own insecurities. Knowing that I would be standing a lot today I wore relatively practical shoes, fancy flats to go with my Girls State appropriate outfit, instead of heels. Somehow while being the extraordinarily special and talented person I am, I managed to fall down steps in a fancy building in front of a lot of people. At first my butt and foot just felt a little sore though I had been standing all day. Then I felt that special kind of pain that tells you something is wrong when I was walking up the stairs. This happened at 3:50 I think. Well the day was far from over and I just now was able to stop being up and around. My foot isn't sore anymore, unfortunately. Now it just hurts like a mo-fo and I can barely walk on it. This evening I had promised my girls i would go to walmart for them, so I did even though my foot kept feeling worse and worse and I could barely walk through the store. The checkout lady was incredibly sincere when she asked the normal walmart, 'how are you doing?' At first I just said I had had better but when she didn't inquire any further, my self pity got the best of me and I told her about my foot. She immediatly started to tell me how to make it better and sent the guy behind me to get this salt soak stuff. When he got back she demanded me tell me how to make my foot better all the while being incredibly sweet and polite. there was no way the guy could have refused her and not have been an ass. Anyways, she made me giggle when I was thanking her and she said something along the lines, "i'm a black lady. I know how take care of it. I'm a christian also. You need to do whatever that young man tell you to do when he gets back." All i could do was to smile and thank her profusely and giggle a little at her incredibleness. I bet she is a mother because she totally mothered me and I have no problem with that what so ever. I wish i could replay that scene for you because it was so precious. when he came back she asked me for my name and than asked him for his name and than told me what to do the next time I see him. All I could do was to say thank you Corey and hobble off like a cripple. I hope I will be able to repay him the favor one day. Those two people are what I would call a divine appointment. I feel loved by strangers in walmart...because they treated me with love.

Day 90.

It has been a long day and I am honestly exhausted. I am excited for this week and being there for the girls. I'm really nervous that I won't be what I need to be for them. I think it will all work out. I'm going to try to go email John nicely now. and then hopefully go to sleep....

This is the email I sent him:
I have to admit that my feeling are hurt that you would insinuate I wouldn't register for college next semester. I'm not going to stop going to school no matter what you decide to do with money. I did register. I also didn't give my college money to mother like you rudely suggested. Both of those things honestly make me really angry at you. I received your letter. Yes, those all look familiar. I had no knowledge of your having medical insurance for me the past few years. As a matter of fact it doesn't make any sense to me that if you had it that you would cancel it when I went to school because I could use it now to pay for the therapy I plan on going through when I move back to Atlanta. I had a lot of work done in my mouth, a lot and I have the metal in my mouth to prove it. But I don't owe you anything, any proof. You have the doctor's records. I am incredibly disappointed in you that you would place me in the middle of your court battle with mother over money. You say you want a relationship with me and than you do that? It makes it seem that you are more interested in the money, as your many obnoxious emails and letters show, than in establishing a relationship with me which you claim so much to want. I am also upset with you for not giving me the rest of my money. You gave Michael his and I can't understand why you won't give me mine. 

Day 89.

I realized something today and I am not sure how to talk about it because I'm not sure if I have the words to properly describe it. The main ideas behind my thought are love and vulnerability. It hit me today, and I could be wrong though I don't think I am, that loving someone (not necessarily romantically) means being vulnerable with them. To me being vulnerable with someone means sharing my thoughts, feelings, and recognizing that I need them in some shape or way. I would like to say that I am good at being vulnerable because I like sharing my thoughts and I can be quite loud about my feelings sometimes. However, the truth is that I while I may have moments of vulnerability around people, I am not good at opening my self up. I keep a large majority of my thoughts to myself because most of them are really mean or completely irrelevant. Also, one of the hardest things for me to do is to talk to someone when I am mad at them and express to them why I am upset with them.... I only do that when I truly love and care for that person because if I don't really love them (again not necessarily romantic) I might as well as not even talk to them. As a matter of fact, that is exactly what I like to do, stop talking to that person. Before I explain what triggered this thought of mine and realization of myself, let me tell you some of the other thoughts it brought up: There is only one boy I will recognize as needing from time to time, and not very often at that, because among many reasons sometimes I do need him and I genuinely love him more than I can express with words. I have been very blessed to have him in my life and hope we will always be friends. Every once in a while I will open up to him and talk to him about things I just can't talk to anyone else about. Actually, I used to tell him everything that I couldn't talk about, but when I realized that wasn't good, I just started saving him for special situations.(lol I'm sure his girlfriends appreciate that.) I've had two boy friends in my short life, both of whom are incredibly amazing people that I really like as human beings. (I was thinking today that I have been surrounded by wonderful people in my life and they both fit into that category of people who have touched my life in unique and surprising ways.) The first one and I, well, I don't remember him being vulnerable at all, or at least very often. ( now there are stages of vulnerability and I'm thinking higher up their on the scale, not lower down.) Then again, I kept a lot of my thoughts to myself around him...I think I was intimidated by him and didn't want to sound stupid or crazy. We were better apart and that is perfectly okay, I'm glad he was in my life. While our lack of vulnerability with one another wasn't what caused the end it may have been a factor in it. I'm sorry, I don't mean to delve so much into the past, but I realized the other day that I couldn't speak to my second about something. I just couldn't share my thoughts, I couldn't be vulnerable. Then again the only person I wanted to share those thoughts with was God and he sure got a mouthful. Well and I would like to one day talk to a therapist about it, but that is a long way away. Thus, my realization of myself led me to think of these three boys and to think about my interesting relationships that I had with each one and the relationships I have with them now. So you must be wondering how I got to thinking about all of this in the first place. Well, it started with John Gray. I received a letter in the mail today from him trying to get me to tell him about my insurance/medical history with what has been going on in my mouth. My mother is attempting to get him to pay a portion of my medical expenses and John feels like he is being asked to pay too much. (I've been really frustrated with John as of late. Before he tried getting me to help him not have to pay money for my mouth, he accused me of giving my college money to my mother,- which is incredibly insulting for various reasons- he refused to give me the rest of the money from my college fund that he has control over, and he also declared that I didn't "even bother to register for next semester". Needless to say I am not currently his biggest fan.) Anywho, I have been so angry with him I haven't been returning his email, which is why he sent the letter in the first place. All the letter did was to hurl obscenities out of my mouth and heart towards his general direction. I was trying to figure out how to best handle this letter which is a complicated situation. Not only is everything I tell him going to affect the court outcome between him and mother, but it is also extremelyvulnerable with him. In this case, that means telling him I am mad at him and why.

Day 88.

Removed from the excitement, err um horror, of going to the dentist in the morning, at 4:30 I donned old lady's style khaki shorts and a black polo whose bright pink logo I had previously sharpied black. I am an eager beaver who always arrives early for things when it is a first, so naturally I left home too early to drive to work and had to sit in the parking lot till I could no longer sit in the heat at 5:25. Tonight was to be a first, my first night as a servers assistant. I had foolishly  assumed that being a servers assistant meant you filled drinks and brought out food. Little did I know that the title "server's assistant" is a glorified way of saying restaurant slave aka busser. Thus, tonight wasn't a first in the way I though it would be because I have bussed once before. It was a horrible experience and I almost got into a fist fight with one of the servers. I am not a violent person--he just wasn't being very nice and I HATE being taken advantage of when I'm trying to be sweet and help someone. Work was busy when I got there so I just jumped amid the fray, shadowing the other busser, a 22yr girl named lacey, and doing what she was doing. I would like to say I had things figured out by the end of the night except for the fact that I have yet to master the task of timing when to ask people for the plates on their tables they no longer want. Me being the eager beaver I am apparently kept trying to take dishes people were still working on. ....I never realized how long it takes people to eat or how much food they actually waste. (Eating all the food that appears on my plate may be the leading cause of me not fitting into my jeans anymore, but at least I'm not being wasteful. I'd rather not be my desired shape than be so incredibly wasteful.) Someone once told me that people who work in restaurants are mean to each other while they are working, only because it is so rushed, and are nice afterward when things calm down. That person must not know the people who work at the Tin Top. Everyone was incredibly sweet and kind to me when we happened to be catching our breath at the same time. They also worked hard and worked to pull their own weight, which I admire. Lacey, the other busser, is incredibly smart, has two young kids, is a harder worker than I am, and knows her stuff. I may be younger and in college, but I have nothing on that incredible woman who after spending a couple hours with I can say is simply incredible. There are also two Kristens who work there. One really pretty Russian girl with braces. An old man who said he was the meanest, but seemed the kindest. A handsome twenty something who introduced himself to me and tried to shake my hand but settled for an elbow touch-thingy when he saw me panic momentarily at the gross stuff on my hands. He was cool. Two dishwashers that i cannot understand to save my life. They may be absolutely wonderful people, but they open their mouths and my ears cannot comprehend them. They're from here..... Last but not least, there is also a manager that has not gotten angry at me for telling her on my first day of work that I can't work one of the days she scheduled me for. ....I wonder if she will let me off work around the start of July so I can go to Atlanta? It was hard work. My feet and back hurt and I am tired and sweaty and gross. I'm not sure how long i'm going to want to do it, but I don't want to be a quitter just because it is hard. hmmm, I'll wait and see how much people decide to tip me out.

Day 87.

You are currently looking at, err reading about, the new servers assistant ("sa" as they call it) of the Tin Top restaurant. I will be making a whopping $6.50 an hour plus a tip out of what ever the servers give me. I will be lifting heavy objects that I probably won't be strong enough to pick up, but I'm going to do it anyway. Mind over matter, baby. I'm a little shocked she, Vickie, was so chill about hiring me. What, you have a second job? No problem. What, you're going to be gone all next week? No problem, you'll fit into our schedule just fine. Thank you for opening the doors you want me to go through and closing the doors you don't want me to go through. Anywho, I start tomorrow night at 5:30 and have to purchase kitchen shoes, khaki shorts, and a plain black polo shirt between now and then. Ya for spending money...Walmart here I come. After a lot of wasted time, effort, and energy and two mistakes I finally got the big contract signed and off to the right people. Hopefully everything on the other end will go fine and I will have earned this company a large commission. It was weird trying to act like an adult with someone who's child was in my grade at high school. i didn't know his kid...his dad called him a wall flower. Supposedly the term isn't a good thing, but the words sound pretty to me probably because I life flowers in general. On the upside of life, I am getting everything with my car in order and will hopefully no longer breaking motor vehicle laws soon.