Day 72.

Excuse me for ranting. I will admit that I save the rants for a different outlet in order to make this one reflect goodness, questioning, and most thoughts other than my many complaints about the world. Okay, now for the rant. It normally take ideas and thoughts a long, LONG time to penetrate my thick skull causing ideas to stay inside my head for a long time. It is not uncommon for my slow brain to wrestle with an idea for a long period of time, though I would like to blame it on the fact that once I get caught by an idea, everything I see provides a new angle on which to ponder and examine the idea. Like looking at a crime scene. Each angle by which it is examined can reveal a new piece of evidence or create a whole different story adding to an investigator's understanding of what happened. ( I totally just watched the season finale of Castle, if you can tell.)  The last time I remember being stuck on an idea like a fish on a hook with the backwards barb thingy I was obsessed with love and what it means to truly love someone. What a peculiar season. I'm not sure how it started, but I simply stumbled upon it in a completely not Stumbleupon.com way. I think I rediscovered one of my strange Christian girl books that talked a lot about what it means to love, romantically and not, others and than my pastor preached on the topic, and then the college youth group I was attending which was completely unaffiliated with my church spent a series on it. However, before all the preachers decided it was the season to talk about love, I had already ordered another book on the topic and started receiving random lectures form various family members who refuse to speak to each other about love. Even if I didn't want to think about it, which I most definitely did not and do not want to think about, I didn't have a choice with everyone around me talking about it. I just saw and heard it everywhere. Then I figured out what I think it means to love and stopped thinking about it for the most part with the exception of wondering if the romantic type would ever happen in my life. hurmph. Anywho, the same thing is happening to me, but with relationships. Everywhere I turn the topic of relationships id being blasted in my face and I don't understand them, I'm not even sure if I want to. So far I haven't ordered any books on the topic...oh wait, yes you did, you just didn't know it. Thank you John Green and Suzanne Collins for making me feel crazier than I actually am. Not the point. My point is instead that I stood in the kitchen cooking dinner for Jim because I feel badly for him that mom isn't here to cook for him and because I know she expects me to feed him while she is gone. While I was standing in said kitchen cooking a really good meal, Jim turns on the tv and grabs a bag of potato chips. (Come on, man. Rude much?) All of which adds up to me being even angry than I already am at the world and my lack of relational understanding because at that moment I want to live alone forever and never talk to another living soul, especially any who are male. Of course while I was thinking that I realized how irrational and untrue it was because I have been extremely lonely so far this summer. ( Which on the other hand the loneliness isn't bad, it is just a difficult adjustment for me right now. I have a strange feeling it will be beneficial for me.) Gah, I suppose I am saying all this to express my frustration at not understanding something I so badly want to understand: how does anyone live with other people and be happy with them? ...I suppose no one is always happy, anyways, but still. I can't see the end either, the place where I finally understand. I can only fathom the vast and seemingly endless ignorance and/or naivety the places the concept out of my mental reach. Than again  remember feeling the same about all the other ideas that have crowded my mind for long periods of time before I figured them out enough to satisfy my immediate want for understanding. I know my dad would tell me that understanding anything is a journey and that often times the journey of the discovery is much more fun and enjoyable than the discovered destination. I know he is right and that I will probably never fully understand life, love, God, relationships, time travel, the fifth dimension, the stars, molecular biology, and  the other concepts the bounce around in my head. My point is to remind myself not to be to frustrated by the journey to forget to enjoy it. Our journeys only last so long.