Day 86.

I can't stop crying. I don't know what is wrong really other than that I am overcome with a sense that there is something wrong with the way I think, feel, and look at the world. I apologize, I don't mean to be melodramatic. I'm don't know what else to say other than that I'm going to sleep and have to get a big contract signed tomorrow. Oh and I have a job interview to be a servers assistant at the Tin Top tomorrow.

Day 84.

I've often criticized those girls who hop on the back of guy's motorcycles because it seems dangerous and almost equal to begging on one's knees for trouble. However, today, without hesitation or a second thought, I asked to jump on the back of a guy's bike and it was an absolute blast. We ended up riding down to the Flora-Bama and listened to music their for a while with some of his friends. While I was their I got into an argument with one of the guys I was there with over racial and class issues. He was one of those closed minded people whom I really dislike. I didn't really talk to him for the rest of the night after I got him to shut up which only happened after I called him a racist and explained the genocidal rhetoric of Arizona's immigration laws. (I'm to tired to talk about immigration laws. I apologize if that was a confusing statement.) He had had a couple bushwhackers so he was pretty eager to shut up...he didn't say much for the rest of the night. standing at the top floor of the Flora-Bama watching the customers sip their drinks and enjoy the band below, I couldn't help but to contemplate Huxley's comparison of religion to an opiate. I always got the impression that Huxley was saying religion was a bad thing because it would dull the minds of humans into letting society become this really terrible and horrible place just like a drug. Observing the large group of people consume alcohol at the Flora-Bama, I wondered if he was wrong because it seems much more likely that humans would use alcohol or other drugs to dull their senses in order to escape existential dilemmas and to avoid caring about the worlds issues. Maybe Huxley and I see religion differently for, if used "correctly", it would do good for the world. I use parentheses around correctly because who really knows how to use religion correctly-I'd be a fool to say I do. I didn't have anyone to share that thought with so it left my mind as we rode away from the Flora-Bama to a really yummy sandwich place called Hub Stacey's. They have the best potato salad I have ever eaten in my entire life....and some of the best sandwiches. You should be jealous. Then we rode home and watched a movie. I have to admit that I feel like one of the most loved daughters in the world. I mean, how often does one's dad drive 3 and a 1/2 hours to see them, take them out to lunch, drive them around on their motorcycle, be extra careful because their kid is riding on their bike even if it means they have less fun, take them to dinner, let them argue with his friends, and watch a movie with her? Anywho, I feel pretty special and loved which is always a nice feeling.

Day 83.

How could a day that begins with french toast turn out poorly? I don't think it can. After sleeping in this morning, I almost attempted to make french toast, but it was decided that going out for breakfast at a reasonably priced restaurant the serves breakfast ALL DAY would be a better option. The restaurant we went to is called Kitty's Kafe and I adore it. I ate breakfast there almost every single day last summer and ate dinner there a few times. You see, my mom didn't have a kitchen in her house until this past December so she would go there for breakfast and I would just join her. She also left them her debit card info for me to run if I happened to go there for food without her. I could use it for any meal I wanted, i just couldn't use her money to spend taking other people out. Kitty's french toast was good, made out of Texas toast a fried perfectly. Though the Texas toast when it absorbs liquid tends to become really thin and mushy instead of thick and fluffy though it was a little fluffy. Before we decided to go out i was looking up recipes of how to make it and I found one that took a long time to prep involving a custard that had to set over night--it sounded really good. I can't help but to imagine what that french toast would taste like....thick, rustic, stale bread soaked in a custard mix overnight and fried the next morning to a thick, fluffiness. Oh my goodness that sounds so good. I really want to learn how to make a simple french toast  because I don't know how to make it and I have recently begun to really enjoy the dish that as a small child I hated. I think the idea of eggs inside of my bread really grossed me out. If you can't tell, i was most definitely one of those kids who hated when the different foods on their plate touched. Speaking of yummy breakfast foods: the other day I bought a box of fruity pebbles which does not go along with my diet, but are a nostalgic throwback to awesomeness in a box. Fruity Pebbles never fails to make me smile even though it isn't of the highest culinary caliber. i think I shall have a bowl for breakfast tomorrow:)

Day 82.

Right now i am at Caitlin's house watching her fall asleep on the couch watching Jerry Springer, pretty much the classiest television show ever created. We haven't really done anything this evening worth noting except for exploring Target and buying popsicle molds:) My parents, well I guess mainly John, would make popsicles for Michael and I all the time when we were little. We even got to choose which kind of popsicles we wanted. Among the plastic treasure that makes frozen treats we also found this peach soda in large glass bottles that was on the clearance shelf that turned out to be absolutely delicious. Hmmm, i think Lindsey is supposed to be coming over tonight and spend the night with Caitlin and I. However, we're so cool that she is asleep and I am seriously contemplating it minus the fact that I don't know where the blankets are in this house.... I enjoy this lazy life of not doing much but just chilling. Tomorrow it has been decided that we are going to have a beach day. I am fully prepared to acquire a horrible sunburn swimming and tanning all day tomorrow. I may bring a book. I may walk for hours. I may sit and eat all day. It should be blissful.

Day 81.

I wonder if experiencing anticipation after seeing someone for the first time in a long time a human condition or if I am the only one who experiences the emotional cocktail of excitement and nervousness. As individuals grow and change, I think it is only natural for their relationships with others to grow and change. However, this sometimes means that people grow apart from one another. Sometimes the distance between them is too great for a relationship to reestablish, they form a new, different, relationship, or snap back into the old relationship they once had. I think it may be best, healthier even, to have a relationship that mixes parts from the latter two. A relationship that doesn't reflect individual growth may just become to confining and who doesn't like relying on the comforts you once felt with someone.I spent an absolutely lovely afternoon, good quality time working, playing and talking, with someone who I am so blessed to have in my life. I loved that we didn't watch a movie or do another activity where you don't have to talk, but instead talked for hours about our lives, dreams, and the things that were important to us.  It makes me giggle to think our five years of friendship, everything we have done and said, and also the years before that when we weren't friends. Apparently I was too much of a goody-tooshoo to be friends with and she was really big on her animals ( I didn't like pets.) I am so proud of my high school friends that I truly love and adore and have every intention of having in my life, being aunties, uncles, and god parents to the children who frighten me to think about at this period in my life. It pleases me beyond expression that those life changing friends I had in high school are still an important part of my life now. I imagine no matter how long I go without spending a great deal of time with them that they will always be important, if for nothing less then their effect and influence on me. They were the ones that truly began to first teach me about acceptance and accepting people for who they truly were even if that meant loving someone who was so different from me. They were the ones who got me drunk for the first time, the ones who watched me cry when my heart was broken for the first time, who taught me how to like animals and eat large quantities of ice cream and other sugary essentials, who inspired me to dream, who encouraged me to write/blog, who informed me of the musical world outside my Christian radio box, and who loved me for being me even when that meant I was toothless, high on pain killers, preachy when I oughtn't be, crazy, too serious, and strange  ole krita. Today was a new day, a day that people have grown together though not in the same ways. It was a good day.

Day 80.

Although I'm sure being egged in the face by someone you are falling for is not a very nice experience, after watching the season finale of Glee, I would really like to have Rachael Barry's life. Sad as it is though, my life is not a dramatized television show and I do way different things than sing and worry about relationships. Like today I went to became State Farm certified to do auto claims, which you can make big bucks doing. The work is 12hr/7days per week but you pull in over $550 a day. If you can manage to stay on storm for lets say a month, you would make $15,400 minus living expenses. I think that kind a job would be a nice quick way to pay off student loans and get into graduate school. I went to the class with Jim and a guy named chuck who rode with Jim and me to mobile which is close to an hour and a half drive. Well in order to get the certification you have to pass a test and the end of the class though you have the option to take it twice. First go around I missed 5 questions on the test of which you can only miss 7 questions to pass. Jim passed the test by the skin of his teeth for he missed 7 questions exactly. Chuck, a man you used to be a cars salesman, failed the test the first time and passed the second time though I do not recall him disclosing how many he missed the second time. I have to admit scoring higher than the two grown men I was with tickled me pink after being so nervous yesterday about not being able to compete with the adults taking the class. I felt like I could compete with most all of them. The one problem is is that I accidentally told the instructor I was deployable, meaning I told him I was able to actually adjust claims, when I do not have a license to adjust claims. The certification I had just taken means you can work for a certain company in this case State Farm, but has nothing to do with legal requirements. Oops, my bad. I think I can acquire a license fairly quickly online though, not that I would be actually able to go on storm anyways. On the other hand I shall be at Troy in about ten days for Girls State! I just got an email telling me I was on the official staff list. I'm so nervous because I don't any of the other staffers....I suppose I will just have to make friends. I wonder if the fact that I know little about politics will hinder me in anyway while I am there since it is a political program for the High School Juniors that come....

Day 79.5

I've decide this is my way of achieving in part kenosis. So I'm writing an extra scene from my life that isn't very happy.

I guess i will elaborate on what I was saying on John. you know, make up for my lack of posts. He keeps hassling me starting fights about how I am this awful person who needs to start behaving better. So I do my best to put my emotions aside and tell him i am trying to communicate and have a relationship with you, but you're making it very difficult. If you keep trying to talk about issues in the past I will no longer be able to do so. Than he starts trying to argue money with me and accuses me of giving my college money to my mother among other things. insulted, i calmly responded to everything that was appropriate to respond to in his email further trying to establish the relationship that HE wants so badly and that I don't. Another inflammatory email. I feel defeated, don't quite know what to say so I decide to wait a few days before saying anything. Than he sends me a half ass apology. Still haven't decided what I want to say. I just now received an email which mocks my religion. I've been joking with my brother about the second coming all week in funny and mutually respectful banter for my brother and I have different religious beliefs. John's email was full of rudeness and mockery about the rapture followed by a "I'll bet you didn't bother to register for next semester, did you?" I responded with tears.

Day 79.

I wonder if I will live to be 79yrs old...

It is only the middle of the afternoon--my day is far from over. Tonight Jim and i are attending a study session for being able to work with state farm auto insurance claims. I have to admit that not only am I not looking forward to this, but I'm really quite dreading it. I'm unsure if it will be of any benefit and after my long weekend all i want to do is crawl into my bed or sleep on the beach. I'm also apprhensive about my mind's capacity to focus on something new after having to focus on so many things lately. You know that fully focused state that is reserved for the most important things like impressing a potential boss or something...I don't know if I can bring coax it to work and I need it too. Between figuring out things in Chicago, arguing horribly with john (I don't even want to talk to him), thinking about the euthanasia, and figuring out what I want to do with my life my brain is fried. Hmm, I'll admit the main reason why I'm so reluctant to go tonight is because i am afraid of measuring up with the other adults in the class. I'm afraid i won't be as smart as them or that my lack of experience will be a huge issue that i will be unable to make up for. Oh speaking of what I want to do with my life, I know I want to be a psychotherapist, but I'm thinking about becoming a psychiatrist. The only downside is that i would have to go to medical school and get an M.D. On the other side I could go to graduate school for a Psy.D. degree which focus on working with individual patients instead of academic research like a Ph,D. would. The hardest part of making these plans is that no matter how hard i work and how well I plan I have little control over what I end up doing and what my future life will be like. I can try to shape the future, but i really can't control my future or anyone else's. I suppose that should frighten me more than it does. I mean, it does frighten me, but I recognise that grace plays a hand and that there is something else for me to hold on to if not control.

Day 78.

The convention in Chicago was fun and informative though I didn't have time to write at all while I was away. The overall travelling experiance wasn't that much fun because of all the layovers and being stuck on planes and in airports way longer than I was suppossed to. That is life though. The major delays did provide me with the chance to read a book on euthanasia by an author i really enjoy and respect as an itellectual. he is Dr. Scott Peck who is not only a medical doctor, but also a psychiatrist and amateur theologin. i want to read all of his books though the one I read this weekend is only the second of his I have read. The book was extremely interesting, aiming to heat debate on a topic that when the book was written was really quite non-existant. Dr. Peck, like myself is a moderate and, feeling that a subject is much more likely to be treated correctly by the masses when their is strong polarized debate, sought to create such a debate. I think he is incredibly wise in doing so though that isn't my point in writing. One of the issues Peck addressed was that humans die a thousand times befroe they physically are no more. Die in the sense that we have to kill parts of what Peck defines as our ego over and over agin through out our lives to be healthy beings. An example: I notice that the child i babysit never wants to play board games with me. In fact on day we are playing they burst into tears and refuse to play the game. On further reflection i notice that the childs reaction is a result of my own extreme competitvness. In order to be a good babysitter and establish(heal) a good relationship with the child I have to put aside my competitiveness, or at least a part of it. (*Which is actually a modified example of one Peck provided.) Depending on how competitve someone i am that could be extremely difficult and would be killing a part of my ego. Peck explains this psychological happening to accomplish a few things I think. One is to relate that dying is a purifying procces of the human for those that choose to use dying as a learning experiance. Another is to communicate that giving up control over one's own life is neccessary in various area. In the above situation I would be giving up my control over a game and/or my own desire to be competitive for someone amd/or something else. Peck relates that to death, saying in order for someone to have a "good" death they have to give up control over their body and accept that they really have no control over their living or dying. While I at first thought peck was pro-euthanasi I discovered as I read further that he was against killing oneself because it would prevent the psychological healing dying creates--for those who are willing to grow...many are not willing to grow mentally...) Though for clarification sakes i must say that Peck strictly defines euthanasia and is not in the least bit for largly heroic acts of healing in the face of terminal illnesses and feels that most illnesses should simply be allowed to take their course when potential cures have failed.

The book was really great, well written and explained in a way that my short summary of his 200 and something pages falls short of.

Day 76.

The first order of business is to apologise for the post that will be missing tomorrow. On the upside I will write in a journal instead and type it out when i get back. ya, i could bring my laptop and write on here tomorrow, but it is heavy and i just can't be bothered to bring it through the airport.
Second order of business: I'm going to Chicago!! Where I will meet a bunch of my sisters. I love (most) sigmas so much. Ah, I would say I am excited but I already said that and it just isn't communicating the excitedment I feel properly enough. Ooh, so apparently one of Thomas' good friends who goes to college not in Georgia is also a Sigma. i thought that was pretty cool. pfft, i just think (most) sigmas are pretty dang cool.
Third: John has been sending me some pretty annoying emails. I responded today trying really hard to be kind. I'm not sure if i succeded though i forward the email to dad to see what he thinks. If he thought it was too much, it is too late because i already sent it to John. i suppose there are benifits for not having normal parents. I'm kinda bummed I won't be going to Seattle this summer, but I geuss the upside is that I don't have to deal with John very much. That is horrible. I don't mean to be so horrible. Oh, well.

Day 75.

Something should be said for the practice of counting days, what it leads to or whether it is good or bad. I just finished cooking dinner, yea for split pea soup, and reading a book about a man who travels unwillingly throughout time and space, always without his clothes. No matter what the form of travel, traveling nude seems like it would always be exciting. He was constantly counting days and dates, and, when he discovered the date of his death, most likely had a countdown in which he numbered every hour. Despite great tragedies, the time traveler was happy, he had a good life and was constantly surrounded in mutual love. I wonder if his count down helped him to appreciate his days more or if they just distracted him from living. I, on the other hand, do not know when I am going to die and am not counting down the days I die or the number of days I have left. I am counting the number of days in a year, from march to march. Right now I have quite a few days left. I also have a few hours left in this afternoon/evening and I think I would really like to go eat dinner. ....I have always wanted to travel throughout time and space, but I think...I just like clothes to much.

Day 74.

Avril sings a song called What The Hell that I understand a little better than I wish I did for a few different reasons, the largest of which being is the song irritates me so bad. Not only does the song sound incredibly annoying, but the narrator is completely self absorbed and seems to have thrown all thoughts of wisdom for doing what ever she wants. It reminds me so much of the strain of thought that maintains that ones own happiness is more important than most other things Now Avril I think is just talking about sleeping with someone and not really caring how that person feels about her. Is that not the same train of thought that demands self satisfaction without the consideration of anyone else in the situation. Ugh, that bothers me to know end. You know what, I'll tell you why. It bothers me so badly because I do it more than I wish I did and I know better. I feel like it is more excusable for people to act that way when they don't know any better than it is for people who do know better. Gah, it just drives me bonkers. As much as I which I could be, and know I shouldn't be, I am unable to feel self righteous when I listen to this song because of the line, "All my life I've been good/ but now, whoa, I'm thinking what the hell?" That line pretty sums up a small portion of my last year and an attitude I possessed for that little while. It didn't lead anywhere good...No blessings or open doors arrived because of that rebellious period. I'm glad it is over.
here is a much better song that a friend of mine shared with me. I'm so glad he did because I love it.

Day 73.

i woke up grumpy this morning and now by some mere chance i am happy. Here is my story:

waking up groggy with the knowledge that I hadn't had enough sleep, I couldn't help thinking about time traveler and his wife and where the next page would take them. it is morning though which means work soon so i can't read my book, I need to read my bible. I instantly rebel against the thought because reading the bible signifies morning which in turns means I can't sleep. The next 40 of the 60min I set a side for bible time were whole heartily devoted to my snooze button. leaving for late an hour and some odd minutes later, I was still peeved I didn't have time to read about the time traveler. I didn't really want to be at work, lonely and sleepy, waiting for the time to pass, hoping that the office next door would call me and invite me over for coffee. Joyce called. I ran over quickly excited for the chance to talk to someone face to face. I go back to work. I leave at lunch time. There was nothing exciting in the PO Box, the bankers wouldn't cooperate, lunch was to hot and not enough, and I go back to work without putting my heart into it. I leave early and crawl straight into my bed fully realizing how grumpy i am for no reason but unable to shake myself out of the funk even after a couple hours of reading and pretend napping. So I get up, procrastinate going back to work by going to chickfila hoping to eat away my grinchy feelings and loneliness. Then in between my house and chikfila, almost as if tinkerbell had a pouch of happy powder and sprinkled into my nose, I was happy. I don't know if it was my finally wearing normal people clothes. Okay, well normal Krista clothes. Actually one of my favorite outfits that is quinticentialy me, containing a joke, a display of mockery, comfort, a touch of sweet and of course that innocence i sometimes try to hide, but always fail concealing. it could have been the song that brought on the happy. The music just entered my body and demanded i dance, something that doesn't happy when I'm grumpy. The happy occurred before i was armed with a medium fry and strawberry shake and before I performed my favorite magic tick unknowingly infront of a confuddled stranger. yes, i can do magic tricks. My favorite magic trick is eating too hot waffle fries while driving and steering properly a stick shift....just to give you a picture this trick often leaves a huge piece of deep fired goodness sticking out of my mouth for a few seconds. The guy in the other car watching me looked really confused. I giggled. i just hope the happy doesn't end with the shake i am drinking. Ahm it is so good! i learned that instead of being terribly annoyed by the strawberries that get stuck in the straw and the extra sucking required to unstick them that aggravates my new teeth, i actually love them. I love how the berries get stuck in the straw cutting off the flow of sweet goodness but quickly reward the extra sucking and momentary lack of sugar with a plump, sweet, fruity clump that reminds me of a fond childhood memory; not a specific memory, just a generic fondness that one can almost remember, but all that is really remembered is the emotions and pictures associated with the memory. hmmm, strawberries.

I had to change several words because according to spell check I made quite a few of them up. i didn't change all of them. Think anyone would buy a dictionary if i made it?

Day 72.

Excuse me for ranting. I will admit that I save the rants for a different outlet in order to make this one reflect goodness, questioning, and most thoughts other than my many complaints about the world. Okay, now for the rant. It normally take ideas and thoughts a long, LONG time to penetrate my thick skull causing ideas to stay inside my head for a long time. It is not uncommon for my slow brain to wrestle with an idea for a long period of time, though I would like to blame it on the fact that once I get caught by an idea, everything I see provides a new angle on which to ponder and examine the idea. Like looking at a crime scene. Each angle by which it is examined can reveal a new piece of evidence or create a whole different story adding to an investigator's understanding of what happened. ( I totally just watched the season finale of Castle, if you can tell.)  The last time I remember being stuck on an idea like a fish on a hook with the backwards barb thingy I was obsessed with love and what it means to truly love someone. What a peculiar season. I'm not sure how it started, but I simply stumbled upon it in a completely not Stumbleupon.com way. I think I rediscovered one of my strange Christian girl books that talked a lot about what it means to love, romantically and not, others and than my pastor preached on the topic, and then the college youth group I was attending which was completely unaffiliated with my church spent a series on it. However, before all the preachers decided it was the season to talk about love, I had already ordered another book on the topic and started receiving random lectures form various family members who refuse to speak to each other about love. Even if I didn't want to think about it, which I most definitely did not and do not want to think about, I didn't have a choice with everyone around me talking about it. I just saw and heard it everywhere. Then I figured out what I think it means to love and stopped thinking about it for the most part with the exception of wondering if the romantic type would ever happen in my life. hurmph. Anywho, the same thing is happening to me, but with relationships. Everywhere I turn the topic of relationships id being blasted in my face and I don't understand them, I'm not even sure if I want to. So far I haven't ordered any books on the topic...oh wait, yes you did, you just didn't know it. Thank you John Green and Suzanne Collins for making me feel crazier than I actually am. Not the point. My point is instead that I stood in the kitchen cooking dinner for Jim because I feel badly for him that mom isn't here to cook for him and because I know she expects me to feed him while she is gone. While I was standing in said kitchen cooking a really good meal, Jim turns on the tv and grabs a bag of potato chips. (Come on, man. Rude much?) All of which adds up to me being even angry than I already am at the world and my lack of relational understanding because at that moment I want to live alone forever and never talk to another living soul, especially any who are male. Of course while I was thinking that I realized how irrational and untrue it was because I have been extremely lonely so far this summer. ( Which on the other hand the loneliness isn't bad, it is just a difficult adjustment for me right now. I have a strange feeling it will be beneficial for me.) Gah, I suppose I am saying all this to express my frustration at not understanding something I so badly want to understand: how does anyone live with other people and be happy with them? ...I suppose no one is always happy, anyways, but still. I can't see the end either, the place where I finally understand. I can only fathom the vast and seemingly endless ignorance and/or naivety the places the concept out of my mental reach. Than again  remember feeling the same about all the other ideas that have crowded my mind for long periods of time before I figured them out enough to satisfy my immediate want for understanding. I know my dad would tell me that understanding anything is a journey and that often times the journey of the discovery is much more fun and enjoyable than the discovered destination. I know he is right and that I will probably never fully understand life, love, God, relationships, time travel, the fifth dimension, the stars, molecular biology, and  the other concepts the bounce around in my head. My point is to remind myself not to be to frustrated by the journey to forget to enjoy it. Our journeys only last so long.

Day 71: I'm mad crazy...

I wish I possessed a talent for writing poetry. That way I could make a proper emo kid instead of simply being an emo kid wanna be.
I have a very black thumb though I am trying to keep my mother's basil plant alive while she is out of town. Maybe I should pour green food die all over my hand. I mean, then at least I would have a green thumb. Would that help the basil plant live longer under my care?
Dad picked me up this morning for breakfast. I adore talking to him about everything under the stars. For some reason I feel the need to keep him up to date with the goings and comings of my life. I think he laughs at me when I'm not looking though he says constantly he is worried I am going to be distracted from the things that need my attention. I think he is less worried about me when I'm just Krista.
I would really like my brother to mail me his old ipod.
Today is the best kind of weather, bright and sunny with a slight breeze that prevents the air from becoming too hot. Perfection, if it is possible.
I was kinda hoping someone would be on skype today.
Paul St. John wasn't at church this morning. I almost asked someone for his phone number because I wonder how he is doing and I kinda miss him. I asked someone about him, if they's seen him in a while, and they said they hadn't. I hope he is neither sick nor moved from the area. I really should call him. But is it proper? He is one of the cutest and sweetest old men I have ever met. He starts crying whenever he speaks of his wife because he loved her so much and now misses her so much. Her name I think was Shirley. I wish I had met her, she seems so wonderful.
I need to find something to do with my life that involves people. I am tired of this lonely existence. It isn't boding well with my thoughts and emotions. and by life, I mean this summer.

Day 70.

Three shouts for being back in numerical order, YAY! YAY! YAY! 

Any who.... I just got back from a very lovely date. My favorite kind of date. The only kind of date where I have been truly taken out. I went to dinner with my dad. It was wonderful. Dad got off work sometime today and made the over three hour trip to Gulf Shores where he picked me up around 8 and took me to one of the most expensive restaurants in town. Now, I am not always one for big and flashy, but it is certainly nice every once in a while. Who am I kidding? Nothing about the restaurant could disappoint nor compare with the company which was truly the most important thing to me. It was so nice getting to talk to my Dad, someone I genuinely enjoy talking to about, well, most everything. I will save you the play-by-play of everything we said though I will say we talked about politics, human rights, sexual orientations, college, my life, our crazy family, and his ailing body. He seems to think it is a good idea to warm me up to the idea that I'm not going to have him around for forever. I think that is a horrible idea and refuse to accept that reality. I am still that little girl who needs her father. You see, he makes the most sense out of most of the adults I have had a chance to argue with, even if he disagrees with you he will listen with respects and logical consider your words without making those on either side of an argument feel stupid. It was nice for a change to hear someone so conservative speak with understanding and care about sexual orientation and the issues our society is having with it today. It was also nice to speak with someone who, although he does not share in my disgust at everything surrounding Osama in the past few weeks, understands my view of the situation and believes Americans were tacky in blatantly celebrating the death of Osama like morons. Though I don't think he views Osama as fully human and thinks the US did a proper job. hmmm, you know what was the icing on the cake about going out with my dad? He always opens the car door for me. I know it may be silly, but I love it so very much. I remember when I was little he used to open the car door up for my mom all the time. I think I am the only one he does it for anymore...though I'm pretty sure I am also the only woman in his life. Works for me quite lovely, but I wish he would find a lady friend. I think it would add a happiness to his life that I wouldn't begrudge him of in all the world. I love my dad. He is pretty awesome. He helps me see the world in a new light. 

Day 68.

No, this wasn’t posted on time because I’m having issues with the internet connection at my house. On the upside, my computer is now up and running almost seventy dollars later. According to the computer guy, there were two anti-virus softwares downloaded on my computer that were fighting each other and would freeze my computer every time it started. So I am just going to blame it all on Alex since he was the one who downloaded, I think, a second anti-virus. Yes, I totally asked him to do it and I love that kid too much to be mad at him for something that is really my fault… makes perfect sense, right? But I did have something I wanted to share. Have I told you that John Green is kind of amazing and one of my favorite authors? No, this is not going to be a nerdfighting geek fest. Though I am going to talk about his most recent book, Will Grayson, Will Grayson, which I am reading. But before I talk about that novel, I have to preface it with some Krista facts. I LOVE John Green, but in all the books of his I have read I get to a point where I wonder to myself, why am I reading this book. It isn’t going anywhere, I think, and I am not really enjoying it. Often times the only thing that gets me through those dry spells are the thoughts: I promised Caitlin I would read it, I paid good money for this book so I should read it, or I really have nothing better to do with my time.  And so I press on. Without fail, so far, I am rewarded with a moment where everything I have read, all the boring parts, instantly makes sense. I suddenly grasp a part of what the author is trying to communicate and the idea is so refreshing, something I had never quite thought about in the same way the author frames it. It is in those moments I realize that all the so called dry spells all add up to frame, create, and explore the idea that suddenly hits me like the tsunami that hit Japan. Oh, too soon?....my bad. Anyways, In WGWG, I have had two of those moments so far, both are relatively sentimental so please forgive me if I get sappy and/or do a horrible job of explaining myself. Semantics are wonderful to argue, but not my strong suite. According to the novel and its authors, there was a scientist who was trying to point out a flaw in a scientific paper that had been written in his time. The gist of it was, was that if you placed this cat in a box and then put electrons or some radioactive substance in the box, it would either kill the cat or not. And because one wouldn’t know if the cat was dead until you took the lid off the box, you would have a maybe dead cat. So essentially the cat would be in this purgatory of maybiness until the lid was taken off.  This of course makes no sense. But in the book, they were comparing it to life. Of how there are all these maybes and you never know until you take the lid off and see. I don’t know, the illustration hit home with me and made me feel better for taking the lid off of something I felt like I shouldn’t. The illustration was silly and was supposed to refute the scientific paper, because in actuality the cat would be dead before you took the lid off, or alive before you took the lid off—it wouldn’t wait in purgatory to live or die just waiting for a lid to be removed. And the whole while, as WGWG points out, there would be air in the box that would know if the cat was alive or dead, so essentially the whole universe would know if it lived or died, but the physicist doing the experiment wouldn’t. While opening the box, lifting the lid, trying that one thing, wouldn’t change the outcome; at least you would know the outcome instead of wondering for a while what would have happened if you hadn’t done it. So, I encourage you, lift the lids, and find out what happens. Life IS shorter all. I feel like this blog is long enough without the second part. But it had to do with friends and such and reminded me that I love my friends. I love those I didn’t choose and if I could choose, I would choose them now. 

Day 69.

I promise Day 68 exists. I just have to figure out out to work the Internet at my house.
The second part to what I was talking about in 68 is basically that I realised Lindsey is to me as Tiny Cooper is to the straight Will Grayson. Yes, I know that is confusing if you hadn't read the book. If you have, than you know exactly what i am talking about. When I realized this I made plans with her for the first time in a very long time. We had lunch today and I talked to her for the first time in a while and volunteered information about what is going on in my life. I love her. She is my friend. Sometimes you don't choose friends and later realize that if you could have chosen, you would have selected the ones you already have. My second day of work without my mother has gone pretty well. It is sad though. I missed her while I was away and she missed me, but now that I'm back she has left for no one knows how long. She very well could be gone by the time I go back to school. Just goes to show that people don't really wait around for you. Hmm, I that was a hard lesson for me to learn, that peoples' lives don't just stop because I'm no longer in it; a very childish thought I know, but it seems common enough in little kids. I guess I didn't completely realize that my mother had a life without me when I moved away and she would be too busy to think of and/or call me. it was a good thing and goodness knows I wanted that, but it was peculiar all the same. Gah, that's embarrassing that it took so long for that understanding to fully resonate in my thick head.

Day 67.

Most importantly: the doctors did not give me laughing gas, but decided to treat me to a numbing substance the rubbed on my face and four lovely shots of absolute loveliness....catch the sarcasm? And I have teeth. non-permanent ones, but teeth nonetheless. This all might be over in three weeks. we shall see...
Less importantly: After much confusion, my mother finally decided to take an insurance adjusting job in Knoxville, TN. She has to be there in 48hrs. It has yet to be decided whether or not I am going with her and I think we will figure that out in the morning. We have to figure that out in the morning.
Even less important: On the upside of my face hurting and getting stuck a prodded with needles and other sharp things today, I discovered that Chikfila shakes are pretty dang good, especially the strawberry ones. I highly recommend them to cure mouth pains, headaches, and whiny moods.
Least importantly: I am very tired and am going to bed asap. yes, I know it is only 7:02 my time. there was a reason my nickname in high school was grandmother.

Day 66.

Tomorrow i go to the dentist. Depending on the state of Krista after her fateful and painful day tomorrow is whether or not a bolg shall get posted tomorrow. This is a pre-apology in case I am to hyped up on either meds or pain to drive to the office and write. I think, if everything goes right tomorrow, i should only have two appointments left with the lovely men that like to give me a LOT of laughing gas. You see, I do NOT like needles. they scare me and are only allowable if they are administering some sort of pain killing chemical into my body. However, the needle should perferable stuck into my hand and not all angles of my poor mouth. Sadly, I shall not be reciveing lovely pain relievers through a vein in my hand but will have to suffer through a lot of needles proding around in my gum. Thus, I hope they give me lauging gas to pass the time quicker and so i don't give myslef an anyurism due to stress and pain. i hate needles. The pain killer admisistrated in my mouth via needles never works. One always wears off too quickly and the other stays for way longer than necessary, creating numbing sensations all over one side of my face. But on laughing gas you don't even care if you can feel them using elbow grease to tug away a gum tissue that is really, really strong scared and calloused tissue that does not want to be moved or removed. I'm really being a big baby about it all. The pain will be worth the end results, I'm sure, for who doesn't like biting into apples and not having to worry about being a freak. tehe, I won't be able to help being a freak...I think it just comes naturally. At least I am perfectly ok with feakiness. On the upside, maybe the mouth pain will give me a good cry. I started having one today while i was talking to my mom about life in general and it is really good therapy. I think one good sized bawl would have me straightened out and ready to dance just like a trip to the chiropractor. Cry? yep, nothing is wrong either. I just must have been due for a tear check.

Day 65.

This morning I started my job at All Southern Insurance (ASI), a company which is new but has and will maintain a wonderful reputation of taking care of its customers by saving them money even if saving them money means ASI doesn't make as much in return. I was hoping to be managing a lot of social media aspect of ASI to help it grow and gain business; however, after sitting down and talking with the owner it turns out a large concentration on social media will not be the most beneficial right not. So for now I am learning how to creates insurance quotes for people shopping different insurance companies. I suppose I knew there was a lot that went into it, but dang. After sitting down for nearly four hours I just learned how to fill out one of the numerous forms that need to be done. I learned a lot though. There are also several things the company needs and that I can help create for the betterment of the company, which is exciting. Ha, ya, all that I have typed above makes it seem like a real job....but, I'm working for my mom. Big deal, right? I think it will be fun, we work well together and it might just make up for her all the time she felt like she lost with me while I was at school. Hopefully we won't get sick of each other in the process. On the upside, it is a 9am-1pm job everyday so I am time to get another job if I want to...which I do. maybe a restaurant or a babysitting gig, or maybe even the Cobb...which I really don't want to do. I guess I'm going job hunting. Wish me luck:)

Day 64.

Yes, I skipped a day though not on purpose. Yesterday morning after two hours of not very restful sleep I began my day at 5am. A day in which several oglies that I know and adore graduated. It was relatively sad and exciting and an overall long day. Thomas was kind enough to help me pack and move things out to my car. I left campus around noonish or maybe it was closer to one. anyways, I left school as soon as I could so I could talk to Alex before going home for the summer. We met at some random McDonnell's and chatted for I think two hours. Among the many things I told him was that I am so grateful he is in my life. I honestly do not know who I would be if he hadn't been in my life. According to him I have changed a lot in the past year and the change is both good and bad. He says I have started to put wants and needs in front of others and have stopped making such a huge effort to protect people. I think he was saying that was slightly a negative change, but I am not quite so sure of that though I will be double checking myself for selfishness and trying not to be. He pointed out at some of my actions and told me that old Krista wouldn't have done that, but we both agreed I have been making decisions that are as right as their situations will allow. Unpacking into my room today was weird. I have not come back to a house full of traditions and years' worth of memories. I have already begun to move into a house that has never been mine. The closest I felt like home in it was over spring break, but I had oglies there with me so I'm guessing they brought the sense of home from Oglethorpe. My room is slowly becoming mine though. I have an actual bookshelf for the first time in years and my books now have a proper, more respectable home than the boxes and odd stacks they have been in for as long as I can remember. i found out today that the job I had been looking forward to and was afraid of becoming overwhelmed by is only going to be 4hrs a day/five days a week. That is nowhere near the practical running of the business that I was told to expect. I shouldn't have let my hopes up because I know my lovely mother always exaggerates. Oh well. Speaking of which--happy mothers day, I love you bunches!

Day 62.

I'm going hiking right now so I don't really have time to type. I'll tell you all about my advnture tomorrow:)

Day 60.

Tonight I killed my boy friend and one of my sisters before I also turned into Paul Newman for an hour.
How does that happen? Well, it starts with a text asking if scrabble should be the activity for the night. and then turns into a huge game night at the Sigma house where we play scrabble, Werewolf, and the game where you stick post-its on each other foreheads and try to guess who you are. Both of my famlies are terribly disfunctional, but really a lot of fun. Tonight, my a part of one of my large families proved that intresting peice of trivia, but it was hysterical. gah, nights like these... I suppose I just like my boyfriend and love my sisters. Today has contained more laughter and love and fun that I have had in a while. Not that my life isn't lovely--tonight was just extra lovely. So super embarrassing moment of the day: Ramika invited me to be her date to Dr. Shirkande's dinner for communication seniors who are graduating. Dr. Shirkande is one of the two main communication and rhetoric proffessors at Oglethorpe-- a proffessor I will be taking a lot of classes with. So trying to be the polite person I sometimes pretend to be, I went up to her and introduced myself and said thank you for dinner. She apparently remebered me from my symposium presentation which she atteneded and kindly and politely made a comment about it: "it was interesting how you, uh, connected the theories to a family situation." You see, the presentaion sucked horribly because I got nervous and forgot words and the paper I was presenting got real boring all of a sudden. That is exactly what I want to be talking to a proffessor about...Not. So I mumbled a awkward thanks and said, "huh" and walked away like a strange person who doesn't know how to communicate with civilized humans. Ya for making good impressions on a future professor, go team Krista. Tehe, such is life. But the dinner she threw was wonderful and fun, absolutely full of laughs.

P.S. you should feel loved and/or know that I am trying to make this commitment thing work because I was totally getting in my pajamas when I realized I hadn't posted and braved the cold air to the computer lab in the middle of the night when I have to be up early in the morning to write a blog. :)

Day 59.

Done. I am finally done with my freshman year of college. How does it feel? I dunno. Weird, it feels really strange that something I have been working for--college-- for the past 13yrs is already partly over. The idea of having to adjust to a different lifestyle other than the one I live at school is also quite strange. No more Emerson with all its convenience and quickness, but I'll have a lot healthier food and a lot more dishes. I will not have another paper to write for threeish months though I will be working my butt off like never before. I know that last summer I was so busy I couldn't wait for school to start and during school I couldn't wait for summer to start so I could relax. Now by some strange happening directed by something other than myself, I have another slammed pack summer in front of me. I'm so excited though. I always think I like relaxing, and I do, but after a week of doing nothing I start itching to do something. The itch is so powerful that I am not satisfied until I have more things to do than I have time. I'm not quite sure why. Although I only turned my last paper in a few hours ago, I'm itching to be busy again though I'm going to take the time to rest so I don't kill myself. I think having everything but a few clothes and dishes packed in my dorm, and having all three of my suitemates move out has made me want to be out as well. Strangely, I don't want to leave. I know where I am: purgatory. I know I have to leave and I'm ready to, but I can't go yet. This no-man's-land is really awkward....I can lie in bed all day and read and not feel guilty because I should be studying... what a strange, yet exhilarating thought. Happy Purgatory!

Day 58.

Amid finals and all the other worries that have been daily occupying my brain, I found out last night along with the rest of my country that Osama bin Laden was murdered in an operation that killed four other people, including one of his sons in a Pakistani city. I at fist couldn't believe it was true. The U.S. had been trying and failing to do this for the past ten years--How could it be true? Then I wondered what the news outlet Al Jezeera would say about his death. (Al Jezeera frames news stories from a middle east perspective although it is published in English.) One of the articles I read on there website said that The U.S. government killed Osama, took custody of his body, and then buried him at sea. There were no pictures of his body, there was no proof that he was actually dead. I can't help but wonder if it is all a joke, though I hardly believe that either. So a funny possibly interesting story is that this morning and/or last night I was talking to Katie about how people out not celebrate the death of an individual because it is just wrong. Then while I was facebook stalking this morning I saw where someone had posted, "dude all these Christians are flipping shit about not celebrating Osama's death. they need to chill." Just thought that was interesting. I would personally say that my appreciation for the value of life is what causes me to not want to celebrate bin Laden's death, but I guess I suppose I fit that facebook person's stereotype. I will not begrudge anyone a celebration if they find something they feel is worth a celebration. Though, I'm going to spend the day appreciating the effort of our government, hoping the end in good, and celebrating life. I so hope his death doesn't cause too many backlash deaths...I wish it wouldn't catalyze any deaths.

Day 57.

This video is horrible, but beautiful.Well, at least I think it is. My life wasn't destroyed in that storm so maybe it is easier for me to see it this way. I don't understand why God allows somethings to happen, but I believe there is a reason, a good reason even if I can't quite find it. I'm so happy those I know are safe and I wish everyone else had been. Forgive my jumbled thoughts that really are of low writing quality. I'm not exactly even sure what I am trying to this blog, to myself. Maybe this is just a reminder to myself when I reread it one day. Awful things happen all the time that you have no control over and can do little if anything to help. many of the changes in life's seasons are brought about by storms. The storms are there whether they are in my own head, in the skies above my loved ones, or across the world they are there, and they will be difficult to endure. Note to self: when those seasons come, watch this video and remember what is what. Oh and hurricane season is approaching us quickly isn't it? Hmm, we haven't had a big hurricane in a little while. I fell like one is due.