2012

http://anotherogleyear.blogspot.com/2011/12/i-couldnt-wait.html

I really miss my brother and I really want to talk to him and see what is going on in his life. It is really hard right now of all times for some reason. He needs to know our grandma and former step dad keep getting sicker and sicker as time goes on. and I can't tell him.

I'm supposed to be writing a paper....

and while I'm pretending to write I will record here a passage in my book which I'm searching through for  paper quotes:

"You are all right, child? said Ransom.
"I think so, Sir." said Jane [...]
"Do you place yourself in the obedience," said the Director, "in obedience to Maleldil?"
"Sir," said Jane, "I know nothing of the Maleldil. But I place myself in obedience to you."
"It is enough for present," said the Director. "This is the courtesy of Deep Heaven: that when you mean well, He always takes you to have meant better than you knew. It will not be enough for always. He is very jealous. He will have ou for no one but Himself in the end. But for tonight, it is enough."
"This is the craziest business ever I heard of," said MacPhee.

...I'm with you, MacPhee. It is the craziest thing I have ever heard, yet it rings true and warms my heart:)

Love

Love is something I crave on a daily basis along with affection, affirmation, and appreciation. I am not in a place in life where I can appreciate or reciprocate any of those things in a romantic relationship as I should, but that doesn't take away my need for them. I remember crying a little too often at the beginning of the school year because I felt a lack of those things....I hadn't fully reconnected with my friends and I decided it was best to let some people go who were unfairly filling some of those roles in my life. However at this moment in time I am alone on a coach in my parents house, a place I used to hate for the loneliness it caused, feeling completely surrounded by love and the three A's.

My mother was telling me a story today about how she and her husband got into a large fight on their anniversary in part because of me...my mom was fighting for my comfort and her husband was being stupid. The subject matter really wasn't a big deal except my mom knew it was important to me, so she fought for it. (Jim had exchanged my bed for one of our friend's bed because that friend wanted a smaller bed. He thought I would have no attachment what so ever to the room and furniture I painstakenly put together in my room this summer so the house would feel more like home for me which I did for my mother.) the fact that she cared so much over a tiny thing really made me feel loved.

Also, truth be known, I have come to rely on my sisters so much. They are strength and support. They are loving arms to hold me while I cry and to protect me when I most need it. Not to mention they allow me to love them, take care of them, to pour into them, and be affectionate without excepting me to jump in their beds--like boys do. (....ewww, gross)

Okay, so I may have come to rely on my guy friends a bit too. They are brothers, confidantes, strong protectors, and drinking/zombie killing companions. They are the ones, coughjosephcough, I know who would beat someone up who mistreated me and who will try to scare away any other non-brotherly male attention. They also fill my need for male affection and attention in a brotherly way that I love because 1) its awesome and 2) again it prevents me from having to jump in anyone's bed. (again, ewww...gross).

I've very much enjoyed spending Thanksgiving with my family here in Gulf Shores, but I feel like I've missed having it with other members of my family...the members of my family that crowd around emerson tables with me and knock on my door at night to check up on me and who essentially take care of me on a weekly basis whether or not they know how much I need them.

Okay, so enough of the gooshy stuff... hrumph, guts, and mustaches (and other non-sappy stuff)!

My Sentiments Exactly

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in
my heart) i am never without it (anywhere
i go you go, my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing, my darling)
                                  i fear
no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want
no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

~e. e. cummings

-I feel this way about everyone whom I love and who I know loves me back. Maybe it is because I feel the need to love people, but cannot be bothered to be romantic with anyone that I feel this way about those who are close to me. 

On the Up Side

I have the best little sister in the history of little sisters!!! Her name is Delaney Bush and she is incredible. I have a feeling that unless I do something to make her really angry or hurt that she will not let me go more than a day or two for the rest of the foreseeable future without talking to her. You would absolutely adore her:) actually you guys are very different, but she kinda reminds me of you.

Further on the up side, I'm going to see my Dad this weekend. I'm really struggling with what my brother did/is doing and I don't really know how to handle it. I know it is irrational, but I am a little resentful of my mom right now because it feels like its her fault although I know it isn't. That being said I can't really talk to her about this right now because I know I will just be mean to her and I don't want to be. So I asked my Dad to tell her for me. But then my mom called me...and sent me texts...and she is going to be so mad when I don't call her back. Maybe after spending a day with and talking to my Dad I'll know how to handle it better and will be able to talk to her.

Thank you for everyone coughDanandJosephcough for checking in on me....I really appreciate your brotherly friendship more than you know.

And I'm sorry to anyone who is being adversely affected by my struggling....

Micheal,

Since you've blocked me from facebook and I don't know if you'll get the message I sent you finally replying to your statement I figured I post it here in the of chance you know this blog exists and ever feel like checking it.

 I'm sorry you feel this way, but I understand (somewhat though not completely) and I hope this makes your life better or easier. I love you and this hurts and makes me sad, but it isn't about me if it makes you happier. If you change your mind, I'll always be here. That being said, okay, I'll leave you be.

To hurl or not to hurl.

...that is the question. My stomach hurts and I feel like I should throw up although I know the physical pain I'm feeling will not be relieved by emptying my stomach....that would only work if I had food poisoning which I don't. I also know that taking medicine won't help the tight feeling in my chest that almost feels like a heart attach except the pressure is on the wrong side of my chest. So basically, everything is in my head and I don't know what to do or how to make it go away. On the upside, I went to class today and only cried twice? throughout the day. Yay, go me.

oh, you're wondering what happened? I got a message on facebook last night from by biological brother. I'll copy and paste it for you right now:
" I have thought long and hard. Is having a relationship with you worth the memories that that entails. Talking to you is like trying to smile after stepping in dog shit. No. I don't need you in my life. You have forfeited your right to be involved in my life through stupidity. Good bye."

Now, I don't blame him. Hurting people hurt people and I still love him and although I don't really understand, I kinda do. But that doesn't make my sadness and pain any less because I love my brother and I feel like I've fought to keep him in my life. But I'm glad he is doing what he feels is best for him and I only hope that he is happy and well and continues to be so.

Uncertanity

I'm starting to think it is better to laugh at what is uncertain than to really get worked up over the unknown. I say this with lots of thoughts about what if's and could be's, and I don't really feel like pursuing any of them.

I'm weird

But, really...I'm really strange and if my life has not been odd enough to inform me of that, my conversation with Jos and Sonya tonight were enough to assure me of my own weirdness. We had all just gotten back into the dorm talking about Big/Little stuff and began reminiscing Big/Little events of last year. It has been no end of amusement and annoyance to Jos that I knew she was my big before we had even written our Big/Little lists. She ha heard my logic so many times and finds it hysterically misplaced. Granted, my logic was horribly misplaced, but for some reason I just knew it was her. Thus, I bent my logic around that knowledge. Jos and Sonya think I'm crazy, I'm sure, but the whole conversation reminded me of this other one time I just knew something--at the time I had no proof I was right, but a few months later it was proven. I explained this to Jos, that although I'm really stupid a lot of the time, sometimes I just know things, things I don't always want to know. I wonder if I'm the only one to whom that happens.

I don't want to do this anymore.

One Letter, Three Times Better.

 When I was looking for a college I was adamantly opposed to attending a university that was foolish enough to allow Greek life on their campus. It isn’t that I was opposed to olive colored skin and dark hair, I actually think both of those qualities are attractive, I just didn’t think fraternal life fostered good things. I imagined judging and cattiness and vanity and arguments could be the only by-products of joining a sorority. Well, granted I now attend a very different school than what I first wished to attend, but I’m not so opposed to sororities as I used to be. A big factor in that could be that I joined one….

I say all the time that Oglethorpe is strange—it is—because things here are not the same as they would be other places. Life in general here not to mention Greek life is different and I love it. I can’t imagine being at home anywhere else. Repetitive much? I’m not sure how to defend sorority life, Ogle-greek life, to those who are only familiar with traditional Greek life. Then again, I don’t really need to defend myself.

                Every once in a while my sisters and I will get on a kick about what exactly tri-sigma is to us. Almost every time it is a story revolving around sisterhood. The best way for me to describe what sigma is to me is this: Tri-Sigma is what is left surrounding, protecting, and loving me even after the world has crumbled away from me. We’re family. We may have a spat or an attitude for a second or two, but we always love each other and we always get over it once we have a second to calm down. My sisters have been a game changer in my life and I feel so incredibly blessed to have them in my life. It is a safe place for freak flags to fly high as well as a place of the posher ones of us to be snazzy and stuff. (I’m more flag flyer than posh….)

                Well, recruitment for new sisters is almost over and I have to admit that I have been loving it and hating it. I love that I get to spend time with my sisters working towards a common goal. We may not do things in the smoothest fashion, but we tend to have fun with what we do even if it is rushed and slightly skewed. :) like tonight when during our slideshow of our sisterhood the music wouldn’t play. Sooo we started singing the song that was supposed to be playing—Lean On Me. We all were slightly sad it didn’t go as planned, but we all LOVED the impromptu sing along. It wasn’t the most put together performance—it was very Sigma. That part of it has been very fun. What I really dislike is trying to figure out whether or not a girl would gel with the group or if she has what it takes to try to live up to our high standards. Let’s all be honest, every Sigma fall short of what our standards actually are, but that doesn’t mean we don’t keep trying every day to live up to them. How do we know if someone is going to keep attempting to live up to them or if she is just going to give up? I always feel judgments aren’t mine to make and I hate trying to discern something that only time can tell. I’m blessed that my sisters care more about a person’s character and potential than they do her clothes, hair, or make-up. I suppose I will just have to tell myself what I tell everyone else: things happen for a reason.

                Anyhow…..Tri-Sigma is: a four a.m. phone call to help you with a rough break up, a couch to sleep on when you’ve been sex-exiled from your shared dorm, help studying for a test, help with your hair before a big date, advice on everything from style to crisis’s, a shoulder to cry on, someone who knows you’re upset before you do, a smile, a hug on a stressful day, an early morning breakfast buddy, and a home away from home.

                Maybe it is a good thing I’ve never had a really close family because it allows me to appreciate this one so much more.  

Six Flags

Today I woke up on the couch of my common room to the sound of my phone’s vibrating alarm telling me it was time to get in the shower. Needless to say I wasn’t ready to wake up let alone get out of my couch-bed so I pressed snooze for a total of 30ish minutes. Soon enough I was washed, groomed (enough), and accomplishing some of my homework while waiting for the ever wonderful Alex Torkildsen to arrive. He was driving down to the city from his home near Kennesaw State University to go with Caitlin and I to Six Flags Over Georgia. Although Alex is extremely frightened by roller coasters, I think I can safely speak for all three of us when I say we had loads of fun. We rolled up and down coasters and giggled and walked. Okay, so it is extremely hard to go to an amusement park and not consume the delectable health horrors that are gladly sold at inflated price. I was unable to resist this urge even though after my supper last night I didn’t want to eat anything—let alone a fried piece of dough covered in ice cream, whipped cream, and strawberry and chocolate syrup. In defense of my eating habits I would like to point out that Alex bought the funnel cake and shared some of it with Caitlin and me so I only ate a little bit of it. IT WAS SOOOO GOOD!

Walking around and underneath all the roller coasters, to help balance out my bad eating choices of late, made me notice and realize something about parks where the main attractions are thrill rides. It seems a large part of the fun, apart from hanging out with loved ones and feeling adrenaline rushes, is whining about how scared you are of a ride. Talking about how scary something is builds up the thrill which in turn builds up the adrenaline rush and makes the joy one feels when you finally walk off the ride alive so much greater. I love the adrenaline rush. Note, when you ride the same ride three times in one day because it is your favorite it no longer is scary and there is no longer an adrenaline rush because you’re afraid—you become accustomed to the threat and the knowledge that it is slightly meaningless.

Best Ride of the Day: the Mindbender—it was really quick but really fast and full of tight loops. (I realized today coasters with loops that are not very tall are my favorite.)

Worst Ride of the Day: the Ninja—do not be fooled by the seemingly lethal and exciting name that sounds like it should be both smooth and terrifying. Although it was terrifying, it wasn’t for the layout of the ride. Your head gets pounded between two headrests so on every turn and twist it feels like someone is boxing you in the ears.

The Triple Coronary Bypass

Yes, I ate that beast. It was awesome...pictures to come.

I like the world more when I sleep

Quite a few people at this school complain heartily about how much they dislike their Core classes for a variety of reasons including there is too much reading and the topics are irrelevant to one's major. Granted Core does require quite a bit of reading, so much that I struggle sometimes to complete all the assignments, but it isn't completely impossible--improbable on occasion. I also suppose one does not need to understand the Odyssey to be a successful chemical engineer; however, I think there are lessons one can learn from Core books such as the Odyssey that are beneficial in any field of study. Core essentially makes Oglethorpe a liberal arts institution which is one of the reasons I wanted to come to ogle-town; although I had no idea what I wanted to major in I knew that I wanted a liberal arts education. Hmm, things to get quite interesting here. One of my professors while explaining how the human body works refers to us being "created" that way while another one of my professors while speaking of the same human body refers to us "evolving" that way. Each professor, seemingly taking for granted the truth of his statement, uses rhetoric that does not allow room for a contrary view point.They make me giggle.

One of the three Core classes I am in this semester is called Art & Culture and plays the role of both an anthropology and an art history class. So far i am greatly enjoying it. All we basically do is discuss paintings, sculptures  and artistic land forms as well as what significance they held in their time period and the significance they hold today. Out class is divided into groups and we've been taking turn presenting pieces of art. Well today it was my turn to present on an oil and canvas painting called The Large Blue Horses by Franz Marc. The piece wasn't controversial nor was it surrounded with folk lore and interesting theories like Stonehenge so needless to say I didn't have much to compete with talking amounts compared to the person who presented on the Stonehenge. Thus, after providing the class with all the details of the painting I began to tell them m own interpretation of the piece based on my research about the artist. Honestly I thought it sounded like a bunch of bull but apparently the professor was okay with it because he said he thought the artist would be pleased with my interpretation. That works. I'm kinda starting to like wondering what an artist was trying to communicate when they painted something though the thought that i can never be sure or 100% correct is quite discouraging if I do say so myself.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Lately my life seems like it is falling into pieces though at the same time falling into place exactly where it should be. I am a strong believer that things happen for a reason and that the majority of the time even bad things can have good outcomes. Fortunately for me, the things that have been happening this past little while have been good things, not bad ones, but they have still been a little painful. Regardless of the pain, I am glad they are happening--not I'm not a masochist either. Remember, there is no such thing as a coincidence. You can give credit to Karma or Mother Nature or a Natural Balance for everything happening for a reason though I know to whom I give credit for it.

Labor Day 2011

Labor Day weekend is always an interesting holiday. Last year I worked on homework and went swimming with a group of my friends. This year I went swimming and worked on homework again. However, the last few days spent in my room pretending to be productive have actually been quite lovely for the following reasons. 1) I’m actually enjoying just about all the class readings I have this semester especially the second of two books we’re reading simultaneously in Core 201. 2) It has been really rather quiet which, although it may be slightly lonely in the weird there-are-people-here-but-I’m-still-lonely kind of way, was a pleasant change. 3) My room finally feels like home. I’m happy to be sitting in my warm bed typing away the insignificant details of my life because I changed the layout of my bedroom. Who would have thought interior decorating could make insignificance so lovely? 4) Did I mention reading a Core book, That Hideous Strength, more for pleasure than for actual homework? I greatly enjoy C.S. Lewis and am so pleased to be reading two of his works for class.

After a lovely and peacefully long weekend it only makes sense that I oughtn’t have anytime during the week. I was looking at my calendar this afternoon only to discover I have an appointment with someone every day but Friday not to mention the events that I am obligated to attend. On the upside, at least I won’t be bored.

Feng Shui

Today I am grateful for sweatpants, good books, lazy weekend afternoons, and my friends. Lately I have been dreading going into my bedroom for some strange reason that I haven’t quite figures out. When I was explaining this to Jos the only thing I could think of was that it just wasn’t very homie. We compared her room to mine, because I love hers and hate mine, to figure out how to make my space more comforting. (It was very sweet of her to take the time to think about it with me.) The consensus we came to was that her room was more cluttered, in an organized way of course, had more things on the walls, and more trinkets in more places. I changed the way my furniture was placed so now my bed is against a wall and my desk is by a window instead of the reverse. Also, instead of all of my trinkets shoved into a few spaces, Jos helped me space them in various places over the room. Another issue we both noticed in my room was that all of the wall hangings in my room were primarily on one side of the room. After the redecoration the bare wall is now less bare. Although I feel silly about the whole thing, my room feels much more pleasant to walk into and, seeing as how before it felt nothing like a home, is a great deal more homie. Thankfully I enjoy walking into my bedroom now though I cannot help wishing for more pictures of people I love. Picture and/or poster ideas?

It is unbelievably nice to get away

The Oglethorpe Student Government Association retreat has been quite lovely so far. We drove a little over an hour away from campus into the rolling foothills. We're staying in a rustic lodge geared towards team building exercises and utilized by many large companies. Although only half of OUr SGA is here, many were detained due to sports and work, we've already begun to develope a vision for the up coming year and have started to gel together as a group. I've intorduced myself to some people I've never met before--yes, there are still people on my small campus I don't know--while becoming closer to people I already know in love. The best part about this weekend, er I mean 28 hour vacation, is getting away from Oglethorpe. There are so many people that I love there, but it has felt suffocating the past few days. There is nothing like staying in a quaint country lodge sorrounded by woods to revive one's heart.

Blessed, so very blessed

Let the record show that on the evening of September 1, 2011 I realized one of my prayers had been answered and one of my problems solved. I’m only making a big deal about this because due to some short sight I rarely ever see and/or notice the things I pray for come to fruition quickly.

It has been a good day filled with appropriate amounts of quiet and noise, though separately the quiet seems to still and the loudness seems obnoxious—I think I’m just being grumpy. I got to spend a good amount of time tonight with my sisters and my boys, both of whom I love very much. They make my heart smile. Classes are going great other than the overwhelming realization that a good portion of your exams and finals and papers are due around boys’ bid day and sigma retreat. My Art & Culture class is especially interesting because it seems very anthropological which is terribly interesting and captivating. However, the professor sharply dismisses any and every thought of the existence of an actual deity, which is of course absolutely fine though it makes me wonder why he is so sure of his knowledge that none exists. Addressing the doubt of knowledge in general, I can’t help but wonder if the theories we have about ancient civilizations and the modern interpretations  of the artifacts the left behind are anywhere near the truth. Yes, I’m sure we can make reasonable hypotheses although there will never be a way to determine if we are right or not, unless you find out after you die. This may sound weird coming from me with my faith and all, but you can believe something wholeheartedly and still be wrong. That applies to the faithful as well as those who look at a ancient mini-statue and decide what it was used for and why it was important. 

Sometimes I can't speak

I was wanting to write something very witty and smart about how college students mock those who are self-important and pretentious while themselves being extremely self-important and pretentious in their mockery. I wonder what it is about being in largely learning community that makes people think they are smarter, wiser, and/or better than others whether they be parents, younger students, or older people working for “the man.” I must admit that when I go home I am tempted and/or I do feel that some of the people around me do not think about things as properly as I think they ought; however, the more I learn here at Oglethorpe and in places in general the more I realize how little I know about anything. The more I learn about the bible, the more I feel how little I know about God and the world and theology and faith. The more I learn about humans and human behavior and friendships and relationships, the more I realize how little I understand them all. I am so thankful to be surrounded by people who I know love me and care about me and harass me about whether or not I am okay. 

Sometimes I Stutter

So I just woke up from a three hour nap and am a little confused and disoriented. When I woke up this evening I was hoping that it was morning time and I could just stay in bed forever; however, according to my phone it was only 9:00 almost on the dot when I woke up. With my grumpy I-just-woke-up face still on I walked out of my room to chill with the roomies on the couches which is where I am now and stuff. The first week or so (I’m not sure anymore how long I’ve been here) has flown by so quickly, filled with its share of new faces and problematic circumstances. The most interesting (and by most interesting I mean the only one I’m willing to write about on the internet) problem of the week was my very logical thinking that maybe if my Dad no longer paid for Sigma and I de-pinned (quit Sigma) he would get better and wouldn’t be sick anymore. Life, unfortunately, does not work like that. People say that giving something up, making a sacrifice, and/or punishing oneself does not make anyone else feel physically better. Now, normally I am quite a reasonable person so I’m unsure whether I should be amused at my own stupidity and plain unreasonableness by coming to such a silly conclusion that quitting Sigma meant my Dad would get better, or to be terribly concerned about my mental well-being. I think I’m going to pick borderline amused because it takes a great deal less effort to be slightly amused at one’s own folly and requires less follow up than mental health issues would.

Also interesting is my inability to speak properly in front of groups that intimidate me scholastically. I’m not sure if this happened because I’ve told myself I can’t speak and/or think well when I feel intimidated by someone else’s smartness and therefore I can’t or if it just happens and is one of my quirky traits. I wonder if I kept track of the number of times I stumble over words in a day if my stutters and word errors would increase or decrease?

Yes, I missed two days.

There is something to be said for people who hold you in the middle of their bedroom floor while you bawl your eyes out, especially if those people start crying with you. I will admit that I have been out of sorts lately and haven’t been able to absorb things quite well, or absorb them at all. Of course that means that a break down was imminent. It happened tonight. I’ve spent the last week filled with inner conflict while staying so busy that I barely had time to think about anything. This weekend has been so quietly peaceful, giving me enough calmness of heart to finally break down—which is a good thing. Yesterday, I stayed out of phone commission all day which means that I didn’t communicate with anyone electronically for most of the day except Joscelyn, but she gets the big sister/roomie exception award. I refused to communicate with anyone else because I didn’t have to…well that and I just needed a day off.  Both today and yesterday I was fortunate enough to have lazy breakfast in which I could drink coffee and sit still in the quiet sunshine while thinking about everything, anything, and nothing at the same time. I also got to go thrifting today and purchase some really cool booksJ I’m really excited about them. AND I had an amazing God conversation with someone who went through exactly what I went through last year and what I am also going through again this year. I guess Proverbs is right when it says “so as iron sharpens iron, so does one man sharpen another man,” but in this case, its women. How ‘bout them apples?! Although there are still things in my life I need to handle and learn how to handle better—including talking more to people when I’m dealing with stuff—I am more at peace than I have felt in a long time. That and happy. 

Phone Calls

My dad would be proud of me tonight. I was talking to one of my friends who expressed fear over the uncertainty in her life, what to major in, what to do after college, and all that jazz. Although I cannot remember her exact phrasing, she mentioned being something of a rambler, someone who never settles, for the rest of her life. I told her something my dad always told me: “life is a journey not a destination.” I used to tease my Dad all the time for kicks and giggles, telling him that life is a destination—it’s death.  While talking to my friend I used my Dad’s wisdom to encourage her that although the unknown future ahead may be scary because it is unknown it is okay to not have one place in mind where you’ll end up. It is okay not to have a five-year or ten-year plan that ends at a specific place where you want to be. THAT would be living for a destinations which isn’t what life is about, or at least I do not think that is what life is about. Life is about, well, living and growing as human beings and learning to love one another to the best of our abilities. My Dad would be proud to know that I was sharing his words of wisdom with someone else as well as agreeing with his words myself. I love my Dad very much and I am not to grown to admit that I need him in my life if only to text me and call me saying that he loves me and hopes I have a good day. I need to hear his perspectives and opinions on the thing in life I experience. I need his wisdom and I need to tell him what is going on in my life. My mom called me the other day after class letting me know my Dad had checked into the hospital again because of his heart. Around my birthday last year my Dad was really sick with a respiratory (I think upper) infection. After being sick for a while his heart started to act weird in a really bad way and Dad finally had to go to the hospital. I’m not sure if the doctors ever figured out what was wrong with his heart, but dad thinks it was the medicine he was given for his infection that caused it. Well my Dad is no longer taking funky medicine and his heart is acting up again. It started beating in normal rhythm this morning which is a good thing though I can’t help but be worried. I guess I’m just worried that he is going to leave me when I still need him. Though I am telling myself that he isn’t going anywhere anytime soon I can’t help but to think that if he is going away I want to spend as much time with him as I can. The problem is I’m so far away and I think he would be really upset with me if I left school. With thoughts of my Dad in my head I can’t help but to be grateful that life is a journey instead of a destination because  I don’t want my Dad to reach a destination as selfish as that may be.

I'm a contradiction

Bria, one of the alternate RA’s who lives on my floor, has been hanging out with my group of friends lately. It is a lovely surprise to have her around—I greatly enjoy her company. She is black or African American or whatever the politically correct term is and, thus, has a different kind of hair than I do. Well I have always been fascinated with black hair and how to fix it because I really had no idea it had to be treated so differently than mine until I gave a friend of mine a ride to the grocery store so she could buy hair products and I ended up standing with her in an aisle full of stuff I had never before seen. Bria randomly came to my room this evening to teach me how she fixes her hair at night to prevent it from breaking and to train it to curl correctly—she wears her hair natural and it seems to takes a little bit more time to fix. As she was “double twisting” her hair she explained to me what she was doing and why she was doing it and taught me other things about fixing natural hair. If I ever am so fortunate to have a black baby, I am going to keep her hair natural (I guess if/until she asks for a perm) and spend the time to fix it appropriately.

 Like I said, her visit was a surprise, but it was not pointlessly random because we started a conversation about God that I really needed. My staunch individualism likes to pretend I do not need others’ wisdom, but I really do. I hadn’t told Bria anything that was going on in my life before she started talking about relationships, Godly relationships, what they mean, and how to go about it that general direction. Also without knowing my current decisions, she started talking about putting God first in our lives and not putting those we’re in relationships with above God. “How can you love the creation more than the creator,” she said. She also mentioned the importance of choosing God every time over the other things that we’re tempted to choose. Her wise words gave me strength to do the things that I don’t want to do, but really do want to do if that makes any sense. Like wanting to eat French fries, but really wanting to be skinny and healthy. 

Scars

Whenever I do not know what to write about, I start typing a simple sentence: I do not know what to write today. After my fingers get in the motion I finally find something that I want to type about and backspace over my starter sentence. And while after procrastinating finding a topic I now have one, but I can’t write about it here—it is inappropriate to share everything with the internet in a time when a Facebook post can get you fired from a job.

I will say this:

People do stupid stuff all of the time. When we hurt others the most when we ourselves are hurting. People hurt those they love. I’ve done it. If you haven’t, just give it some time, it will happen. Sticky situations are just sticky. Time heals all wounds, but the scars are forever. Granted, I’ve learned to like some of my scars. (I have this one on my knee that I do not remember acquiring, but it is huge and feels different from the rest of my skin.) Some scars fade into the background so well that you can barely find them anymore; you have to be looking for them to find them. Other scars disappear from sight all together, though they’re still there. I’m not sure why we get scars, why our skin does not simply recreate the same skin texture we’re born with. Maybe the scars stay to remind us that the pain we once felt actually existed, to remind us that pain does exist but eventually ends. My scars are every bit apart of me as the undamaged parts and I don’t mind them. They give me something to ponder over when I get to bored.

I suppose all of that is easier to say when the wounds have healed into scars and the pain can no longer be felt. 

It has been a rather long day

So instead of filtering my thoughts I wrote a private entry.

Genocide and Chef Boyardee

Orientation has gone well so far, I think. Riding from Oglethorpe to the World of Coke museum where Coke hosted the freshman class party, I couldn’t help but remember all the events of Orientation past. It occurred to me while I was glancing down memory lane that I should live in the present instead of the past; however, I decided that I like looking at the past and that I was going to think about it because I wanted to. Now don’t get me wrong, a lot of the things I remembered were not the most pleasant but they I was able to giggle at my own foolishness and wonder what in the world I was thinking.

Last year I felt such a strong sense of family and community because of the people that were here. Now some of those people are gone and new people have arrived. Who will join my family and the inner circle of my community? I can’t help but wonder. Really t could be any of them. Some of the best friends I have now are people who during orientation I couldn’t imagine ever being friends with. I couldn’t imagine ever having fun at Chi Phi the first time I was there or being close to any of the people I saw there. A year later two of the people I saw that night were sitting in my room chatting with me just because they’re my friends and a kid I met during my orientation sat on my bed next to me as one of my best friends.

I see change in the past and the future and I can feel it in the air now. 

Orientation was interesting. My group is interesting. I'm excited to spend more time with them.

A part of the orientation events was this speaker guy thingy. The gist of it was that he was teaching everyone to be self confidant and to encourage everyone to put themselves out there. It was cool, though more specifically the guy was a dating coach and talked a lot about getting people laid and stuff. I wasn't so interested in all the advice he had because although I thought the encouragement to put yourself out there without the fear of embarrassment is great I thought he focused more on the shallow kind of relationships that don't really go anywhere. I mean, what is the point of meeting over 1000 people in a year if you don't have very many lasting relationships. I wish he had spoken on how to create and establish healthy and happy relationships, romantic and friendly, as well as talking about how to go about getting everyone's attention. I don't know. It was interesting with its good and bad.

The best advice I have heard in a while isn't from someone who earns 1,799 per person for a workshop of teaching people how to part in New England. Her advice was free.

"Don't be afraid to be ridiculous and get excited about silly nonsense, ask too many questions, snort when you laugh too hard, smile and be your cheerful self and drive your suitemate crazy. Not too crazy, she seems nice. But. Krista, I hope your day is as wonderful as you are."

And because I read it like five times today already I'm going to post what I woke up to this afternoon just so I will see it all over again one random day when I reread this blog:

"I miss seeing your beautiful smiling face. I miss your hugs. I miss your noseyness all up in my business because I know you mean well. I miss your excitement over silly nonsense that a lot of people look over but you notice, because, well, it's silly nonsense that we should be excited about. I miss your little snorts when you laugh too hard. I miss making popsicles with you. And eating the popsicles. Making more said popsicles. Eating more said popsicles. And, yeah. Ogle place and ogle people are lucky to have your presence there. I guess what I'm trying to say is that Krista, you're amazing. I hope this school year is better than the last year. Not saying that last year could've been better but that you deserve nothing but the best for you and I hope this year is damn good."

Happy Eve

Tonight is the eve of freshman orientation, the night before all the new kids move in and take over the school, feeling as though they own it. A year ago tonight I was driving up to Oglethorpe in Constantine, my old car, after a stressful day and leaving Caitlin behind at troy after a lovely but sad visit. Mom and I stopped at a hotel on the Alabama side of the AL/GA state lines because I saw double everything thing which I guessed meant I was falling asleep. The nerves in my stomach that night were almost overcome with fatigue, but not quite. I had been counting down the days of summer, the days till I would move to college and, most worrisome, see Forester. Although we were only at the hotel for a few hours, I didn’t sleep for much of the time my head was resting on a pillow. That night my worries consisted of whether or not I would be accepted on campus, how well I would succeed in “hard college classes,” what Forester would think of me in person, and whether or not Lindsey and I would get along as roommates. Comparing those fears to the worries I have tonight, I can’t help but to find the gulf in difference between them quite comical. (I could have easily have done without the last two worries that, were at the time, the most prominent in my mind.) I am still concerned about getting along with the people I live with, but I’m not sick in the stomach over it because it will be okay regardless of what happens. I have so many bros and good friends that I’m not concerned over what guys think of me or whether or not I will be accepted. (Granted, I’ve already been accepted for being my crazy self.) Although I am still a tad nervous about the difficulty of my classes and what challenges they will bring, especially my stats class, I know what tools and resources are available to me if I struggle and I also know I can handle college level courses. Now it is the future and the amount of responsibility I have that concerns me. If only everything could be done perfectly and I knew I wouldn’t make the wrong decision or do the wrong thing… Growing up and everything grouped with that term is frightening. What is the balance between being childish and maturing? Where is the line between chilling with my friends and trying to be amiable with a professor? Is it hypocritical to change one’s behaviors like a chameleon based on the audience watching?

Although I think I know some of the answers I am wise enough to realize I know less than I actually think I do. Thus, I am going to go to sleep instead of elaborating answers for you.

Today

I was finally able to sleep properly for the first time in a while.
I was made extremely uncomfortable by freshman sports players who just moved in staring and introducing themselves.
I hung out with a few different groups of people doing very different things.
I mattress surfed down my dorm hallway.
I had a lovely chat with Devon via skype even though we're only a few minutes away from one another.
I was taken aback by how to handle a situation that may arise in the future. I can only pray that God would give me the discernment and love and knowledge to handle any issue properly.
I ranted in anger about the world and bad parenting though I know it ix much more difficult than it seems to my punk kid self.
Now, I'm going to sleep.

The Help.

Moral of the story: even if you use a separate toilet, you can still spread germs if you don't wash your hands after doing your business.

Okay, so I thought it was a really good movie though I think some things were a little off with it. I haven't read the book so i offer no critique of it. While I was trying to share my critique with some friends who had seen the movie with me, they brushed it off saying they dealt with that more fully in the book and the book was better and ect. Maybe they are right; however, I am skeptical that the book handled some of the sensitive material differently enough from the movie to make much a difference. Please keep in mind that the flaws I saw in the movie I read about in a review before I saw it. So whether or not I actually saw the flaws because they exist or saw them because I read about them and then sought them out in impossible to discern.

While I fully understand and appreciate that servants literally raised the children while their parents neglected them, I feel like the love a servant may have felt for their charge was romanticized too much. For instance, they did not very much discuss the resentment a mother could only feel for having to leave her own children in order to care for someone else's child. Also portrayed too softly was the love a servant felt for a family.How could a servant love a family so much that treated them as though they were not worth as much as human being?

The other critique that I both read about and saw was that there were too many stock characters in the film. That the key servants fit stereotypical roles that did not capture the complexity of a African American servant.

i wish the movie had come out last semester because it would have been perfect for the discussion in the paper I wrote for my Rhetoric on Human Rights class final. The paper was about how there was a genocide of African Americans in the southern united states that was sponsored by the government. Not many people like to think about the Americans being guilty of a genocide.

Oh and I also think the violence wasn't portrayed correctly or as violently as it actually was dspite the amount of violence that was in the film. But I understand why they did that: more violence would have upped the rating making it less available to larger audiences and the story wasn't about violence...more may have not fit in very well.

A ramble

Orientation Leader training has been a lot of fun so far. I remember being on the other side of orientation last year, longing so much for attention and affirmation form the upperclassman while striving at the same time trying to seem chill and not in need of anyone’s approval. I will be with my kiddies not just through orientation, but throughout the entire semester because I am also one of their awesome mentors for their fresh focus class. Thankfully I do not have to work with people I dislike because a) I am their only orientation leader and b) I like the other mentors. I have to admit I’m a little nervous about being their only orientation leader….  I had two orientation leaders, when I was a counselors at Girls State I had two co-counselors, and tag teaming came in handy both times. I’m nervous I will drop the ball and forget what I’m supposed to be doing. You see, I’m bad with schedules. So bad that I normally have to keep several calendars, look over them several times, and think about them in depth the day before. Not only am I going to be in charge of herding these children around from place to place on time, but I’m also leading a session in which time is very important.  Although I’m incredibly excited and flattered that other think me capable to do things, I’m not quite sure what to do with responsibility and stuff—it’s weird.

The best part about training so far has been spending time with my lovely friends. I forgot how much I missed them, how painful the beginning of summer was without them around. New faces came into night so I received rounds of hugs (oh are hugs wonderful!) and had chat times with some of my besties. I wish I could express to you the amount I love my boys and my sisters. They make my world a much, much brighter place.

How do you define family?

( I can’t quite remember if I have discussed family in this blog before or not and I’m too lazy to check. Thus, if you don’t want to read on the same topic, feel free to skip. Not that you need my permission not to read or anything. )

The first two definitions of family in the Merriam-Webster dictionary are a) a group of people living under one roof with a common household head and b) a group of people with the same ancestry.

However, family is something so much different to me. It is ever revolving and yet always the same. I can’t help but to think that my definition of family is a result of the dysfunction that exists among my blood relatives. I do not consider all of my blood relatives to be my family, nor are all the people I consider family share my direct or slightly indirect bloodline.

Many people frequently say that we can choose are friends but are stuck with our families and while that is true to an extent I have chosen my family. The choices to include as well as exclude from my personal family has been both greatly joyous and incredibly painful though I love the family that I know have. Family to me is similar to an apartment complex in the sense that some will live there your entire live while other will only live in the building for a few years or a few seasons. I do not think the fact that some may come and go and come again or stay makes them any less a family.

How do you define family?

Oh Oglethorpe, Oh Oglethorpe.

I am thankfully back at Oglethorpe and very happy to be here despite my worrying about change the past few days. Driving through downtown Atlanta in the heavy traffic that as a whole travels much faster than what is safe I finally started to feel like I was home again after leaving what felt like home about three or four months ago. As the familiarity of the roads and the intimacy I felt with the are increased the more I felt at home and the more my worry of every changing thing melted. We pulled into Oglethorpe, I saw Jos’ car, and everything seemed to be okay. As we, my parents and I, were walking out of Emerson Jos yelled out ‘WEEE OONNE!’ and gave me a huge hug. Joseph, Kev, Dan, Hilary, and Justin followed. Man, I love those people. Joseph like the amazing friend he is helped me move in and offered to move around furniture, but we already had, and offered to lower my bed which I mistakenly raised. …I think I’m going to take him up on that offer. I am way to short for this bed. We all went to dinner. I got to go work out at a lesser quality gym than the one I got to use during July, but I didn’t have to pay extra for this gym. Oh ya, that’s right, savings are where it’s at. I had an interesting experience in a broken handicap shower thing. Let’s just say that shower has to be fixed. THEN! Most importantly I got to color and watch Pokémon and spend time talking to Justin which was all so win. I’ve missed my friends. I’m happy to be home. The only things wrong with tonight are: My fridge which already has food in it also has mold in it, there is a bug flying in my room, I have a mosquito bit on my thigh that itches like a something itchy and I have to unpack this.

All in all though, I don't think those problems are big at all considering I'm finally here again. (Well, there are a bunch of boxes under my bed too.)

So I wrote something in my personal journal and am going to share part of it here even though it is probably a bad idea.

This afternoon while packing I was listening to a song by Tenth Avenue North—it was randomly playing on Spotify so I’m not sure what song it was. But the song held fear and longing and comfort, but the fear seemed predominant. The song threw my mind to a future where I had just then made the decision to fight for someone, to fight to love them, to marry this nameless and faceless person. There was a familiar stranger talking to me, trying to comfort me and experience with me the fear I felt after finally choosing to fight for one someone. I was so frightened and scared it wouldn’t work, that I would terribly hurt this person I loved so dearly, and terrified that I was going to open my heart open only to be wounded deeply. I was scared because although I was making the choice to marry him it didn’t feel like a choice. I needed him. I had to marry him….

(I personally hate the idea of needing anyone except God and I stupidly fight my need for Him sometimes too.) Eventually this memory of a future I have yet to experience lost its hold over me and I was able to think normal things. My following thoughts were: that isn’t me, I don’t need anyone like that and I won’t, the only person I will ever let myself need like that is God. 

This semester is dedicated to Jimmy Lee.

For Jimmy Lee

How do you capture the essence of who a person is with words? How do you communicate the influence someone has had on you with groups of made up symbols that fall short of internal feelings? I want to describe Jimmy Lee to you not just to share him but so that I’m sure to remember him. Let me tell you what he looks like: He is a fifty year old black man who works as a truck driver, an oyster shucker, and works some odd job at a fishery or maybe he just drives trucks for the fishery. He likes to color coordinate his clothing although he never looks over coordinated or wears obviously expensive clothing. His head always wears one of his fifteen ball caps and his nose always holds a pair of black rectangular rimmed glasses. He is probably between 5-6 and 5-9 and weights about 200lbs. When he speaks his accent reveals him to be of the south and seemingly places him as a country man. I suppose I can also tell you some of the things he does or has done. He was married to a woman in Macon, GA which didn’t work out, and used to go to church quite regularly. Now he works 2-3 jobs and brings a cooler full of beer to work Friday and Saturday nights so he and his coworkers can stand around in the parking lot drinking beer while they’re being eaten by mosquitos. He doesn’t drink and drive and he has never hit on me although he frequently gives some of the waitresses a teasingly hard time. This man is really as sweet as can be. According to him I drive too fast and am going to lose my drivers license because of it. ( I do not drive too fast. I go by the speed limit.) Jimmy Lee and I have an ongoing joke that when I lose my license that he will drive up to ATL with his lawyer and come get me. It is silly, but cute.

In more ways than one Jimmy has communicated that he is really proud of me for going to college and taking advantage of the opportunity to do well and go far in life. I, being my lovely self, reminded him that plenty of people graduating college without jobs just after he was saying that I would do well and get a good job and ect. He just brushed my negative comment off. I’m not sure if it is the poor culture I grew up in that associates such a positive stigma to education, believing that if you can somehow afford to go to college and you’re smart enough to do well that you will get a good job and have an easy life. I don’t know why, but Jimmy wants that for be so badly. Tonight he even gave me a lecture saying, “I’m not trying to play daddy,” but work hard, have fun, don’t settle for the first guy that comes along, and sure as hell don’t get pregnant. Once that happens, he said, all your traveling and fun and opportunities will end and you will be stuck in Gulf Shores for the rest of your life.  

It was so important to Jimmy Lee to help me on this endeavor, to give me something to remember him by, and just to keep me safe that he asked me to lend him the favor of buying me a tank of gas. I told him he didn’t have to, but if that was so important to him I wouldn’t stop him. He replied it was terribly important and handed me a fifty dollar bill.

That man really treated me with love.